Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Sunday, 7 May 2006

image for Bush Urges Grads to Serve the Oil Industry and Military
Bush urges grads to crusade for oil

Sillwater, OKLAHOMA (UPI)--President Bush yesterday delivered a commencement address to the 2006 graduating class of Oklahoma State University, urging students to get involved in world war on behalf of rich Republicans like himself and to "serve a cause larger than yourselves, you know, like the oil industry."

In a typically folksy, idiotic speech filled with non sequiturs, he targeted young students about to set out into the world.

"Your generation will face unprecedented choices because of technology," Bush barked. "Some of my generation used manual typewriters instead of the personal computer, although I never learned to type. When they made a mistake while writing a paper, they didn't have the luxury of spell-check, although I never learned to write papers. As a matter of fact, some of us used something that maybe some of you have heard of -- it is big and bulky -- it's called a dictionary, although I never learned how to use one of those things either."

"Technology has helped improve almost aspect of your life on campus, and technology also lets us kill Muslims and fight illegal and corrupt dirty wars and steal oil from Iraq and Central Asia on behalf of Exxon Mobil and Chevron Texaco and Israel," he said to much laughter.

But his address also contained a warning on the changes technology can bring.

"Science and technology also offer the prospect of eventual cures for terrible diseases and temptations to manipulate life, developments which me and my crazy Christian backers are fighting tooth and claw," he said. "We oppose all stem-cell research and cloning. "

"Your generation will have to resolve these dilemmas. My advice is to harness the promise of technology and use it to become rich Republicans and to serve the interests of humanity by working for the oil industry and the Pentagon, and not the other way around."

Bush then delivered a call to action for the young students, clad in black robes with mortarboards atop their heads.

"In this time of technological change and global competition when we are falling on our collective asses, ultimately the character of America will be determined by your willingness to serve a cause larger than yourselves, like more wars for oil. The day will come when you'll be asked, what have you done to build a different America than the one you found. I am confident that you will answer the call to military service," Bush said.

The president also showed his lighter side in the commencement address. "Someday you'll appreciate what you've learned here -- and you'll make your teachers proud as you slaughter Arabs and other people who are not white like us in order to get their oil. I know the professors who taught me English in college still marvel at my way with words," he said to even more laughter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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