After easily pushing through his ban on sugar sodas as part of his War on Obesity, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is now considering closing down the popular restaurant district of Little Italy.
Bloomberg claims the historic area's regular menu of pasta, gelato and espresso threatens to create an underclass of "over-weight, over-carbed, and over-caffeinated" derelicts, making a further drag on the city's already cash-strapped health-care budget.
"It's not just about the budget." said Bloomberg. "We have to protect our citizens from these predatory business owners who have been reaping huge profits at the expense of thousands of unknowing mostaccioli-lovers."
Bloomberg says that just the sight of a freshly baked cannelloni leaves many of his citizens incapable of making sound decisions about their health. He went as far as saying that bakeries who set out free bits of biscotti on the counter are no different than crack dealers giving out free samples on the school playground.
While he appreciates the contribution of some of these famous trattorias and cafes to the history of Manhattan, he hopes to replace these landmarks with a food court featuring some more modern, healthy chains like Chipotle, Tofu King and Sprouts 'R' Us. It is even possible that some of these new eateries will require customers to provide a recent body-mass index (BMI) reading before they are allowed to order from the entire menu. Those customers with particularly unacceptable scores will be prescribed a selection from the healthiest entrees available and will be required to walk a mile on a provided treadmill before the food will be served.
USFDA Representative, Jordan Garcia, commended Bloomberg's action, calling the mayor "a leader and a hero in the most important war this country has fought since the Wars on Terror, Drugs and Poverty."
"People think this is a just a small isolated problem," explained Garcia, "but every 3.6 seconds, another New Yorker drinks a non-skim cappuccino."
Restaurant-owner Francesca Spracale, 57, whose family has operated Il Grosso Piatto on 23rd Street for over 83 years, said she understands the mayor's decision:
"In the 30's, you had bootleggers like Capone that were the problem. Now, it's the gelato peddlers like my Uncle Gino that have become a menace to society."