Wash., D. C. -- President George W. Bush's re-habilitation schemes took a startling turn yesterday when he declared that he was re-inventing the U.S. as a monarchy and proclaiming himself King George I of the House of Bush. "I am, after all, the decider," he said, smiling confidently. "Why bother with pesky elections? The American people know that democracy isn't all it's cracked up to be."
Flanking the king as he made his announcement were a beaming Queen Laura, princesses Barbara and Jenna (both on cellphones), the proud Queen Mum, Barbara Bush, and the King Pop, former President George H. W. Bush. In the audience were First Dogs Barney and Miss Beazley, who barked happily after learning of their royal status.
It's speculated that Bush decided to take this unprecedented step when he looked at his declining support and compared it to Queen Elizabeth's surging popularity. According to a confidential source, "It was the grandeur of her 80th birthday celebrations that put him over the top. Bush complained that he was only given a 12-guest barbecue for HIS last birthday."
King George I announced that the formal coronation ceremony will take place on July 4, Independence Day. A horse drawn carriage will pick up the members of the royal family at the White House and deliver them to the National Cathedral. The Rev. Franklin Graham will officiate, and the Rev. Jesse Jackson will be on the altar. The Rev. Al Sharpton declined to attend. (Some say he was holding out for a Knighthood.) The new king added: "We'll see how it goes. Given the price of gas, my first royal proclamation may be to outlaw cars and return to a tradition that has made America great, the horse and buggy."
The full extent of palace duties for former Vice President Dick Cheney has yet to be determined. It was announced, however, that he had been chosen to organize a 21-gun salute at the end of the coronation ceremony. With this news, the head of the American Bar Association issued an important alert. All lawyers attending the coronation do so at their own risk and should wear full body armor.
The coronation ball will be held in the King's home state of Texas. Guests will include prominent world leaders as well as the stars of the former soap opera, "Dallas."
An AP reporter who called former President Bill Clinton to get his reaction to Bush's "royal" announcement was disappointed that he didn't have a chance to ask his questions. Instead, Clinton peppered HIM with questions: "Is this 'king' thing retroactive? You know, am I considered royalty too? How does this affect my pension? Will I get special tickets to the coronation?"
Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean emitted a primal scream upon hearing the news, while Hillary Rodham Clinton attributed the development to "a radical fringe element of the Christian Right." Acid-tongued Maureen Down of The New York Times delivered a screed titled "Bushwhacked." Bill O'Reilly, however, chatted good humouredly and promised to "look after the folks" in the kingdom.
Meanwhile, His Majesty confided to insiders that he was disgusted to learn that newly appointed press secretary Tony Snow was no relation to Lord Tony SnowDEN, the former husband of Princess Margaret. "No connection to royalty at all," King George muttered. "Tony Snow is just a commoner. I'm thinking of sending him back to Fox News."