Written by F Rheins
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Topics: Pentagon

Monday, 1 May 2006

image for Pentagon Shocker!!
The scene of the dastardly deed. (Inset: Mr. Rumsfeld tearfully apologizes.)

Rummy caught leaking!

Washington D.C.- The whiff of scandal recently put the Oval Office in full damage control mode. In hindsight, maybe excessively so.

Painted in a poor light by an ongoing, seemingly endless series of leaks, many of which have made their way into some of America's most prominent newspapers (I.E., faint trickles that hint of alleged secret prisons, murky wire-tapping and debatable war-planning), President Bush has put out order after order to try and stem the flow.

"Any and all indiscretions must be plugged," he has been heard to thunder by passing interns outside the Oval Office, even when no one important is actually "inside" to hear.

The two bigwigs of intelligence, John Negroponte, Director of National Intelligence, and Porter Goss, head of the CIA, were recently summoned to stand tall before the lavish desk of the president. "No one," Mr. Bush vigorously dictated, "is to be considered above reproach. Find me some leakers, and find them fast!!"

Soon enough, after exhaustive searching, the two supremos of espionage struck pay-dirt and returned with a name and some action: Mary McCarthy, CIA officer, terminated for spotty polygraphs and unauthorized contacts with members of the dreaded news media.

"Well, that's real good," praised Mr. Bush as he patted the two intelligence chiefs on their respective shoulders, after which he fired off a hearty "thumbs up" for added emphasis.

But, apparently, not good enough. Mr. Bush, as deduced from later developments, must have thought McCarthy was only the tip of the iceberg.

Secretly, with a craftiness few suspected he was capable of, Mr. Bush started his own counter-divulgence operation. Going back into history, taking a cue from an earlier Administration beset by a hostile, poking and probing press, Mr. Bush personally hired one of Richard Nixon's notorious plumbers-the head honcho at that: G. Gordon Liddy, nowadays a radio talk-show host.

Ordered to be discreet, yet armed with the full backing of the president, given carte blanche to do what he saw fit to put an end to all "leaking" by government employees, big and small, any and all, those solemnly sworn to answer to the Executive Branch, 75 year old Liddy decided at once to go for the gusto: aim high and take down some big game. The newly hired G-man feared he didn't have much time, for he wasn't at all sure Mr. Bush was familiar with his past run in with the police and that unfortunate stint done behind bars. Once the gals in Personnel forwarded the finished background check, more than likely he'd be back to his radio gig.

Thus, the wily septuagenarian at once set out to stuff a dribbler.

After a few days of "hallway recon," Liddy identified a juicy target; a plan, one devilishly clever, was formulated-almost as if on the fly. "G-man" set up a two-camera tripod sting operation in the restroom closest to the office of the Secretary of Defense. Soon enough, as Liddy was certain-because he already had the "prey" under surveillance, knew his habits well-Mr. Rumsfeld himself wandered into the trap.

"Rummy" was on his fourth trip to the restroom that morning, with many more sure to follow. Anxious Liddy, faced with a plethora of opportunities, nonetheless decided "now" was the time. After the unwary yet frustrated Cabinet-member turned away from the urinal, the rigged doors to stall numbers three and four whipped open. Two loud pops and extraordinarily bright flashes later, irrefutable, photographic evidence of a "leak" was scored.

Liddy at once raced out of the restroom, blindly leaving in his wake the hyperventilating, heart-palpitating, pale-faced Rumsfeld, who slid down to the soon to be urine-soaked tiled deck. (Another "leak," more prominent then the seminal and incriminating first event, followed shortly.)

With the raw evidence in hand, Liddy headed out to the local drug-store, had the film developed in just under an hour (he flashed his sparkling new G-Man badge, which got the little punk behind the counter in gear) and before noon he was bursting into the Oval Office, waving a large yellow envelope before the President's eager eyes.

Mr. Bush, thrilled at the prospect of nailing another leaker, this time a real "big-time pisser," as Liddy passionately vowed, ordered a press conference at once, where the identity of the "wrong-doer" would be dramatically exposed by newly minted Press Secretary, Tony Snow.

Post Mortem:

-Tony Snow is having difficulty expunging out of his head, once and for all, the stinging laughter of the Press Corps that awful afternoon when he pulled poor Don Rumsfeld's photo out of the yellow envelope.

-G. Gordon Liddy, who was escorted off the grounds of the White House shortly after the Press conference fiasco, hasn't yet got past the unfortunate misunderstanding. He his heard to peevishly complain by anyone within hearing distance, over and over: "He told me to plug ‘leaks.' He didn't say what kind of ‘leaks,' he just said ‘leaks.' Rumsfeld, for sure, won't be ‘leaking' piss onto his pants' leg anymore. Thought I did a damn good job. It just goes to show you how incompetent our government really is."

-Secretary Rumsfeld, the unfortunate subject of counter-divulgence gone awry, has apologized publicly, privately and often tearfully, about his unfortunate "leaking" problem and the embarrassment it has caused the President. He has promised to double the visits he makes to his primary care provider, prominent Urologist Dan Gler and his top-notch nurse, Flo Eazee.

-Lastly, Vice President Cheney has promised to keep a watchful eye on the Oval Office and its present occupant, vowing to nip in the bud any and all "initiative" that might be brewing within the unique brain of that rascal, Mr. Bush.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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