Written by Chrissy Benson
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Tuesday, 29 May 2012

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With a heavy heart, Obama orders the addition of yet another suspected militant to the "kill list."

President Barack Obama is personally responsible for managing a "kill list" of people targeted for assassination by the American government - no small task. In addition, it's Obama's job to personally approve any additions to the list.

At a press conference addressing the use of drones and related activities of the National Security Agency, Obama noted that given his many administrative and managerial duties, not to mention the intensive marketing demands of his 2012 reelection campaign, it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for the President to personally carry out these planned killings.

That's where drones come in.

The remote-controlled killing devices known as "drones" are used to effect the assassination (Obama finds the term "murder" unnecessarily crass) of susepcted "militants," sometimes even U.S. citizens, from a safe distance, with no need for anyone, including Obama, to get his hands dirty.

"Obviously, that offers us a tremendous advantage," stated Obama. "Even the Republicans recognize that it's simply not feasible for me to kill these people myself. And honestly, I'm kind of a wuss when it comes to blood."

Given the many logistical and hygienic benefits of drones, Obama has, by his own admission, become fed up with citizens who question the United States government's increasingly widespread use of drones to kill its identified targets.

"I'm sick of it," the President stated bluntly. "The individuals I've personally approved for the 'kill' list need to be killed, and who's going to do that if not the drones? Certain dissidents keep droning on and on about drones, but realistically, are they going to assassinate these people themselves? I don't think so."

When questioned as to whether there exists any constitutional authority for the U.S. government's discretionary use of drones to secretly carry out planned killings of individuals without due process or government oversight of any sort, Obama replied, "You want Constitution? I'll give you Constitution. How about the Fifth Amendment? I'll plead that."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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