NEW YORK - Our mole on the UN Special Population Taxation Administration has just reported that sugar and starch are going to be slapped with a huge carbon tax. Such items will be affordable only by the wealthy, or as special treats by the middle class.
Aspartame will not be taxed, but will be provided at a reduced price, subsidized by the new carbon tax. A new product, asparwimp, will be announced to replace all starches, such as potatoes, wheat, and barley. It will be 100 times starchier tasting that spaghetti, and only five calories for a one pound serving.
According to our mole, the new asparwimp is made from the waste products from cell phone manufacture, and is high in lithium. This is done to put the population on an even keel as it is culled.