Washington DC - Federal officials today canceled the 2012 elections, declaring that American voters are not qualified to select the nation's political leaders.
"Everyone blames the gridlock in Washington on the politicians," said Norman Lagoder, Chief of the Federal Election Commission. "But ask yourself, who selected those politicians? All fingers point to the American voter. The time has come to take this troublemaker out of the game."
Toward that end, the commission has converted Election Day into Indirect Democracy Day.
Instead of going to the polls on November 6, the public will be invited to tune into a series of arm wrestling matches between candidates for the White House, the Senate, and the House.
"In these times of trouble we need leaders who can maintain a strong grip on the tiller," Lagoder said. "And what better way to test the candidates' grasp of the issues than with good, old fashion hand-to-hand combat?"
The "voting" public will be able to cheer on their favorite candidates, who will compete in winner-take-all two-out-of-three arm wrestling matches.
"Voters also will be allowed to wager on the performance of their favorite candidates," the election chief added. "In fact, we' ve set up a website that will let anyone with an Internet connection bet on who they think the winners will be. Why should Wall Street have a monopoly on gambling?"
The new "election" plan had to overcome some initial resistance in Washington before it was approved unanimously by an anonymous committee. Candidates from the Democratic Party wanted to use their left arms in the competition, but the Republican right prevailed.
"They've put aside their differences," Lagoder said. "For the first time in a long time, everyone in Washington will be working hand-in-hand."