Washington DC, Wednesday 26 April 2006 - (Associated Mess): A drastic damage limitation exercise is under way in the corridor of power at the White House today following the publication of damning photographs of President George Bush Jr inciting a Global Peace Process world leader to cut him a line of coke.
A covert CIA psych-op filmed the President as he sat twitching nervously at the Pan Asian Summit-or-other with Canada's former PM Jean Chretien in 2003, waiting for his crack dealer to arrive with the customary Diplomatic Bag of 10 grammes of Bogota's finest Septum Special.
However, secret film footage from the psych-op also reveals that far from favoring the traditional nasal route to narcotic euphoria, the President is also an afficionado of the General Colon Bowel - approved fast track route to nirvana: an arcane method first developed at his Skull And Bones frat house which uses a modified breast pump, colonic irrigation tubing and a three gramme propellant-free atomiser tailor-made to fit that part of the Presidential anatomy that does not usually see sunlight during the course of a normal working day.
Officially, the equipment is marketed under medical licenses aimed at the detection of prostrate problems.
It enjoys huge popularity in the Washington DC area as well as elsewhere in the United States and abroad, and is often top of the list of US Official State Gifts to world leaders when the President visits foreign countries on his continuing whirlwind tour of spreading peace and goodwill.
Sadly, over-enthusiastic use can result in complications requiring drastic medical interventions to re-align the abdomen to its optimal functioning capacity.
Mr Bush is known to have consulted a specialist plastic surgeon in the run up to his 2000 White House campaign for a bit of nip 'n' tuck in those nether regions after a spot of bother that culminated in him losing the proprietary three yards of rubber tubing that forms part of the non-nasal joy ride.
Today's photos are a stark reminder that surgery may not have altogether cured the Presidential affliction, necessitating a return to the old, traditional route of narcotic self-pleasuring.
Give-away signs are the well-worn body language of sitting ever-so-carefully on the side of one buttock only and palpitations in the nostril area.
The release of film footage and more photographs is expected in the next few days.