88 year old former US Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger, got a taste of his first TSA pat down. This occurred while going to Toronto to try to negotiate a ceasefire between the Miami Heat's shooting guard Dwayne Wade and his coach Erik Spoelstra. Kissinger chose Toronto because of its neutrality and the fact that the cold Canadian weather would allow for cooler heads to prevail if not more condensed heads.
"This was such a fantastic and wonderful experience", blurted a giggling Kissinger wiping the fog off of his glasses. "I now know what I have been missing all along and why Americans are so happy when they go through these pat downs. It's like having a free massage by a masseuse except way better because they do it all over".
"I just had to go through it again, although they wouldn't let me go through it without my clothes on. They said it had something to do with visional dis-proportionality. Hell, I don't even know what that means, but it must be pretty serious".
"After going through it the second time, the TSA agent handed me his phone number and told me to call him. I wonder if he was looking to give me a job. I laughed when I took the number and told him that I was retired".
"I wish we had these back when I was working for President Richard Nixon. He sure could have used a few of these every day to relax him. I think the next time I go to the UN I will petition them to use these TSA pat downs at the start of every peace negotiation".
The TSA pat down apparently had a healing affect on the 88 year old Kissinger as was reported by witnesses who saw him running naked through the boarding gate singing:
"I'm a sexy guy, I'm a really sexy guy".