Written by Billy Joe Jim Bob
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Saturday, 19 May 2012

image for Congressman: Replace TSA with New Airport Screening Program

Washington (SAPP) - To stop a mounting surge of complaints against the Transportation Security Agency (TSA), Congressman Westley Guilder (R-Texas) has introduced House Bill 1202 that would change the way TSA screeners handle passengers entering into the secure area of an airport. Instead of everyone in line being treated equally and conducting random searches, the new law would permit some passengers to bypass security screening altogether.

According to the office of Congressman Guilder, "It is ridiculous the way TSA appears to treat everyone equally. Security is not about equality; it's about safety. There is no need to subject every person to the same level of scrutiny."

The language of the bill specifies a number of select classes of people who should be typically exempt from detailed screening at airport checkpoints and at federal office buildings and courthouses around the country. The central idea of the bill is to appreciate the fact that many individuals who travel are incredibly unlikely to cause any harm to anyone else. The list includes military personnel possessing a secret or top secret clearance, federal government officials of a certain pay grade, and disabled military veterans. It also permits many clergy men and women, and many high ranking members of state and local offices to be exempt from enhanced screening. Law enforcement officers who meet certain criteria are included in the list of exemptions.

According to Florin Buttercup, spokeswoman for Congressman Guilder, "One of the best features of the proposed law is to create a permit that frequent fliers can apply for. Once a person obtains the permit (which costs a nominal $75), no special screening is needed for up to 5 years. Obtaining the permit is practically the same as obtaining a secret clearance. The person's background will be checked thoroughly as we do for members of the military who need to handle classified information."

The intent of the law is to gradually improve screening efficiency and accuracy at airports. Currently, the TSA has to screen nearly 2 million passengers per day. The law could eventually affect 20% of the total passengers needing to be screened as more people obtain the permit. The law would also relax the screening process for children and elderly people.

The TSA has continually denied the allegations that screening uniformly and randomly is contrary to adequate security. "I think checking people's genitalia is tantamount to a true love of security. Criminals and terrorists use 'privacy concerns' as a weapon against us as they keep hiding their secrets in the nether regions between their legs. Just as True Love is found in such secret places, we will fight Guilder to learn where people keep their secrets," says TSA spokesman Inigo Montoya.

Mr. Montoya goes on to say that TSA's procedures catch accidental contraband all the time. "We constantly find weapons that were about to be carried on board a plane. Even frequent flyers forget a gun in their bag from time to time. No one wants an accident to happen on board a plane. Just last week, a TSA supervisor working the x-ray machine spotted a famous Australian doctor known for his extensive work with poison antidotes. The screener caught a whiff of iocane on the man's clothes and immediately shut down the entire airport until the terminal was cleaned. Just one gram of iocane powder could have killed everyone in the airport. While we cannot comment on the case further, it is apparent that the Australian, Fezzik Humperdinck, inadvertently forgot he had the substance on his person."

While the TSA disapproves of the new legislation, clearly something must be done to allay the concerns over recent TSA encounters with children, the elderly, and the handicapped. The poster child of the bill introduced by Mr. Guilder is a little boy nicknamed "Miracle Max." The boy's real name is Billy Joe Jim Bob Crystal. The miracle is that Miracle Max was born with six fingers on his right hand and he survived a harrowing ordeal when his father was murdered in 2009. On October 31, 2011, the boy was interrogated and allegedly "tortured" for upwards of 6 hours by TSA screeners. The boy's crime? He was wearing a t-shirt proclaiming he was the "Dread Pirate Roberts," along with a complete outfit of a cutlass, a knife, some shrieking eels, and a patch over his left eye. All of these accessories were made out of thin, cheap plastic. According to Vizzini Rugen, the boy's grandfather who was escorting him to his plane, Miracle Max cried during the entire ordeal. It was only when the TSA pressed him the 50th time that the boy finally submitted to the security screening. The boy's words to the screener were reportedly, "As you wish," as he handed over his plastic cutlass, knife, and several eels. There are conflicting reports as to what Miracle Max was wearing on his face that caused the enhanced TSA screening.

The boy's grandfather has sworn to defend Guilder at all costs. "It was a horrible ordeal. I intend to get back at those TSA brutes for this. We are going to storm the castle, Guilder and me. We have Miracle Max to thank for getting us motivated. We have something worth living for, and it's not the TSA." Mr. Rugen counts his blessings every time he sees his grandson. "I want to read bedtime stories to my grandson. I don't want to fight the TSA's inconceivable procedural handbook. If they are going to start a war, then leave the boy out of it and let it begin with me and Guilder. We take no captives, I must admit. We are men of action; lies do not become us."

It should be no surprise that Miracle Max was frightened by his ordeal. But he has learned a lot about the TSA. "I guess I shouldn't have worn my pirate mask in an airport. People in masks cannot be trusted."

His lawyer, a fiery Capo Ferro, used Bonetti's Defense against the TSA in federal circuit court and won. "I can track a falcon on a cloudy day, and I can find out where the TSA is weak. They are cowards for impounding this boy for 6 hours. And when I say the TSA screeners are cowards, that is only because they are the slimiest weaklings ever to crawl the earth. But we have the courts on our side. And we have the gate key."

Congressman Cary Elwes (R-California) is the co-sponsor of House Bill 1202. Congressman Elwes' office gave us this statement: "The new permits for Residents of the U.S. (ROUS) will prevent so many hideous problems with the TSA and the 'machine' that they use to suck life out of passengers. We look forward to ROUSes being given the opportunity to skip the naked body scanners and remain healthy. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything. With House Bill 1202 we intend to rid the forest of TSA privacy thieves, even if we must use the brute squad to do it. We must end the ultimate suffering of children like Billy Joe Jim Bob Crystal. It's time for a miracle to save this country. It's time to get government agents out of the pants of passengers. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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