Written by Cameron Logan
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Topics: Kids, Cats

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Due to the increase of popular movies that feature protagonists who 'shoot arrows at things' (Hawkeye from Marvel's 'The Avengers', Katniss from 'The Hunger Games'), children now, more than ever, want to be archers. However, there has been (as is with any dangerous hobby that kids undertake) a sudden rise in 'accidental deaths' as well.

Recently, I spoke with Jake Riggins, a nine-year-old boy from Dallas, Texas, who had just seen Marvel's 'The Avengers'. He told me why he thinks 'archery' resonates so well with the youth of today.

"I...um...saw [Marvel's] 'The Avengers' and...um...it was so cool. I liked...um...Hawkeye...the best." Jake then adopted the middle name 'Hawkeye' for the rest of our interview.

All around the world, mother's opinions of Archery have recently shifted from 'at least my kids are staying active' to 'if they shoot one more arrow in this house, I'm going to stab it through their eye socket'. Jane Ortello, mother of three from Kentucky, gave me her thoughts.

"At first, I was really open to Bobby (Jane's seven-year-old son) taking Archery classes. He loved 'The Hunger Games' and I thought it'd be a really great way for him to make friends. How was I supposed to know it was the worst idea in the entire universe?"

Two days after our interview, the Ortello family cat, Furball, went missing. One day later, Jane's Husband, Joseph, found Furball underneath the back porch with an arrow sticking out of his small, lifeless body.

Unfortunately, Furball isn't the only victim of this "new" fad.

"If any parents out there decide to let their children take archery lessons, they might as well be signing their own death certificates," said Teresa Gibbins, grieving widow and recently single mother of two.

The lesson to be learned from this is that movie studios should not market movies featuring archery to children. Children are weak-minded and quite simply annoying. Take it from someone who has never had kids (or a wife for that matter) and probably never will in my entire life. Jake 'Hawkeye' Riggins provided his deep insight.

"You've just got to...um...um...my dad said to be yourself and girls will like you."

Thank you, Hawkeye. Thank you.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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