President Obama announced today a two-pronged approach to ameliorating America's poor health habits.
At a rousing high-school rally in Duncetown, North Dakota, Obama declared: "I am raising the cigarette tax from 39 cents a pack to $1039 per pack.
This will not only discourage smoking BUT will also pay off our national deficit by tripling it and then dividing it by twice the cosine of the of the smallest angle of a right-triangle."
He also seized the website "The Onion" and renamed it "The Pomegranate."
Said Obama, "While laughter is purported to have a salubrious effect on the mind and body, it does not have anti-oxidants. Anti-oxidants can ward off cancer, and horde of -tions: infection, constipation, twitterpation, misinterpretation, and vituperation. Hence, I felt it was in America's best interest that I take over the laughter-focused website 'The Onion' and rename it 'The Pomegranate.'
"Unlike an onion, a pomegranate is packed with antioxidants. 'The Pomegranate' will offer, instead of useless satire, trillions of useful pomegranate recipes and concoctions. Plus the site will not be browsable by the rich! Yes, those making over $40.00 a year will not be able to exploit this site to their benefit while millions of poor Americans languish in abject poor health!
"And not only did I give an iPod to Queen Elizabeth II, I gave her FULL WEB MASTER AUTHORITY over 'The Pomegranate.'
"So not only will the site be anti-oxidant rich, but brimming with Brit wit, too!"