Houston, TX - Declaring "It's a jungle in there," King Kong, CPA, stormed out of a Houston courtroom and held a press conference on the courthouse steps. Chiding his fellow accountants for their misdeeds and lack of ethics, he announced his plans to establish his own firm of like-minded ape colleagues.
Mr. Kong, who has been a CPA since 1933, when the first movie about his life was released, stated, "In the post-Enron environment, society needs a new type of accountant. Someone who swings with the times and is ready to set the financial world on its head."
He then explained (providing the crowd with a handout) the five fundamental policies of his new firm:
1. The word "client" will not be used in the King Kong, CPA, firm. It simply makes no sense in the 'gotcha' environment in which we operate. In common everyday English, the word "client" denotes one to be both served and protected; in other words, a "client" is definitely not one on whom you "tattle" at the first opportunity. But tattling is what reigns these days. My firm has no choice but to go with the flow. Service, yes. Protection, no!
My firm has valued "auditees," not valued "clients." I will be reminding my colleagues to be sure and add the term "auditees" to their spell check programs. After all, if they forget to do so, the word will be tagged as misspelled in their communications. Should they make the mistake of choosing the suggested change of "nudities" to replace "auditees," they would be doing irreparable harm to the reputation for quality, excellence, and family values we hope to achieve in our firm! We have nothing to hide. Wearing no clothes feels right to us, but we don't want to force our lifestyle on others.
2. Print is "out" as a means of communicating financial information. Whenever possible, the auditors in my firm will use sign language. It's trendier and has the benefit of saving the trees I may need, should I decide to leave the jungle of the boardroom and return to my 'original' jungle habitat.
3. It's recommended that our valued auditees use chimps (properly trained and programmed, of course) to deliver the annual financial report in sign language at annual meetings of stockholders. This practice has added benefits. The chimps will react menacingly to pesky stockholders who ask annoying questions. Also, in the event of a hostile takeover attempt, the chimps can go into their full counterattack mode.
4. If our valued auditees insist on a printed audit report, we will not be signing it. Instead, we will place our fingerprint where the signature usually goes. The validity of fingerprints as forensic evidence is now being questioned in the courts. Not our problem. We think it's important to follow an old and hallowed tradition. After all, in ancient Babylonia, fingerprints served as seals on legal contracts.
5. We don't retain documents. Thanks to our special patented CYA technology, once the human or ape eye scans a document, it automatically self-incinerates. Sort of like invisible ink meets Mission Impossible. This way, we have no need for shredding machines and do not clutter our office and the environment with useless paper. Our chimps (the very large ones) will always be available to share, via sign language, financial information with our esteemed accounting colleagues at the SEC.
After laying out these five policies and announcing that he would be making an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show, Mr. Kong let out a good-bye roar. He then used his teeth to pick up an attractive young blond woman in the crowd and carted her off to his waiting limo.
Mr. Kong was spotted later in the day climbing the outside of several Houston skyscrapers, in the hunt for suitable office space for his new firm.