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Sunday, 13 May 2012

image for Area Man Makes Drunken Pilgrimage To Best Friend's Couch
Mr. Welsh, pictured above, just moments before his drunken prayers were answered in the form of a gaudy purple couch.

CHICAGO--Local man Dan Welsh, 22, recently completed a night-long dream of his to drunkenly stumble all the way across town in the hopes of crashing on his best friend Jim's hand-me-down purple leather couch.

Mr. Welsh, a recent University of Illinois at Chicago graduate, began his spiritual journey of beverage consumption and self-understanding Saturday night at Emmit's Irish Pub & Eatery on North Milwaukee Avenue. However, he and his friends soon departed Emmit's after Brenley, a mutual friend that nobody in Dan's group of friends particularly remembers having invited along, pointed out that both the religious presence and guy-girl ratio at that particular pub left much to be desired.

They soon migrated across the street to a quaint little bar and restaurant that the locals often refer to as "pretty good." It was there that Dan was touched by the divine power that is tequila shots, and, despite his companions' obvious disapproval and repeated shouts of "you pussy, dan," he prophesied exactly where his steadfast faith and wobbly legs were destined to take him that night.

"The night was going pretty good up until that second bar," admitted Dan. "But three hail mary's and 4 Jager bombs later and I don't remember a thing. All I knew was that my unwavering belief in leftover pizza and a soft place to flop my body on would guide the way." Added Dan, "My surprisingly adept drunken autopilot did the rest."

Forty-eight minutes and two pee breaks in the gutter later and Dan was finally bashing his hip into his best friend Jim's kitchen countertop. No more than thirty seconds and one thrown shoe after that and Dan was laying face-first on the holy shrine that is Jim's mystery-stained purple leather couch.

The couch in question has held much spiritual significance amongst Dan's group of friends over the years, ever since Jim and his freshman roommate, Adam, found it sitting out near the dumpsters behind the dorms one day. In fact, it was on that very couch that their group's friendship was born in the form of a Halo LAN party.

It is also historically believed to be the site at which the miracle of Adam's Running Riot took place, but several sources on the opposing team contend the legitimacy of the event, citing Adam's rampant screen-watching tendencies as "total bullshit."

At press time, Mr. Welsh was busy honoring the consecrated piece of furniture by slowly gagging out a steady stream of nacho-cheese-smelling vomit onto one of its three hallowed cushions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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