Written by Brett Taylor
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Saturday, 12 May 2012

image for Students Bored By Time Capsule
Rubik's Cube

Students of Miss Jane Mattingway's class at Howarth Middle School got to learn this week what students were like 30 years earlier, thanks to a time capsule buried beneath the school basement.

The capsule included a Rubik's Cube, excerpts from a fashion magazine, and a school yearbook. Unfortunately the revelation of the capsule did not result in an enjoyable time for the students. In fact they all agreed it was very boring and stupid. Things got off to a rocky start. Mattinglay invited the students who buried the capsule to come to the event as a sort of reunion, but only one of them showed up. "Nobody was interested," the teacher explained. "Most of them didn't even bother to reply. The ones who did gave lame excuses about having to work or whatever." The one former student who did show up, Jay Slowart, was told to leave early on. Readers may remember Mr. Sloart from last year's article, "Local Janitor Arraigned on Five Sex Assault Charges."

Martin Colchuk, the brainiest of the students, was quick to give his assessment. "This time capsule is a valuable document of the eighties. I had no idea the people of the time were so barbaric. They had no Internet. No Ipad, nothing we today would recognize as entertainment, with the exception of some very primitive TV." Picking up the Rubik's Cube, he added, "Look at this," he said, "Can you imagine being so bored you were driven to play with something like this? It's something that wouldn't challenge a three year old."

The girls in particular were ruthless in their mockery of the people of three decades before, wrinkling their noses in revulsion at the hairstyles and clothing of the eighties. "My mom is in that yearbook," said Katrina Wurthingbaum. "Her hair looked like it was going to eat her face. No wonder she became a crack addict."

Another girl agreed, saying, "People back then were gross and stupid. I guess they hadn't figured out how to do hair yet."

"That capsule ain't nothin'," said Monty Portnoy, a fat kid with pimples. "Look at it, it's just a metal box. My granddad has one like it. He keeps old porno mags in it." Portnoy and three other boys became angry at this point, throwing pebbles at the box before the principal made them stop.

Mattingway admitted the experiment turned into something of a disappointment. "It kind of symbolizes the whole educational experience. You wait thirty years to do a thing like this, and it all amounts to little. All those years of work, and the only students who get anything out of it are the ones who are already determined to succeed. The rest of them, forget it. And to think I was looking forward to this.

"Ah well, I'm about to retire anyway. After that, these little bastards are on their own. Screw 'em and the miserable world they'll inherit."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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