Donald Rumsfeld, the US defence secretary whose resignation has been called for by an increasing number of retired generals, citizens, and government officials over the past week due to his handling of the Iraq war, has joined the cries for his ousting.
"I've always said that we need to find out whatever it is we're doing wrong in Iraq and fix it." the secretary declared somberly at a press conference Tuesday morning, "Now, by golly, it has become clear that the problem was me all along. This is clearly unacceptable."
Rumsfeld did not mince words, calling the invasion a "collosal top-down failure from the beginning right through to the present day" and noting that the one responsible should resign not because of mounting pressure, but because "it has become clear that there is truly no limit to how much he may fuck things up."
Rumsfeld's remarks echo those of former generals Charles Swannack, John Batiste, Greg Newbold, Paul Eaton, John Riggs, Paul K. Van Riper, and Anthony Zinni, Senators Edward Kennedy, Tom Harkin, Dick Durbin, John Kerry, and Barack Obama, Congresspersons Nancy Pelosi, Frank Pallone, Jr., George Miller, Harold Ford, Jr., and John Murtha, the Congressional Black Caucus, the Salvation Army, the Knights Templar, the Knights of Columbus, Miss Thompson's Rainbow Center Kindergarden, the American League Eastern Division, players and staff, with the exceptions of George Steinbrenner and Curt Schilling, and the state of California.
CNN's Jon King asked Rumsfeld what he would do with the rest of his life, should he decide to resign. "I'm 72 years old," Rumsfeld replied, "And I have been responsible, on an ongoing basis, for a pointless, needless, poorly planned and executed war which has destabilized a volatile region and strenthened global terrorism. I'm thinking I might go on a quail-hunting trip with Dick."
When asked to comment, vice-president Dick Cheney grunted unintelligibly, menacingly waving a 12-gauge shotgun, before ducking into an armored SUV and departing.
Critics believe that Rumsfeld's criticism of the secretary comes at a crucial time, as death tolls and oily smoke continue to rise in Iraq, and cries for new leadership become louder and more difficult to blithely ignore.
Rumsfeld ended the conference with a statement that he plans to submit his resignation to President Bush by the end of the week. It is widely expected that the President will accept Rumsfeld's letter of resignation, fold it in half, cut it into the shape of a heart, and paste the phrase "Super Duper Job!" across the front, in gold glitter.