Written by John Butler
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Tuesday, 18 April 2006

image for Michael Jackson Rebuys Neverland To Enrich Uranium
Michael Jackson celebrates with one of the children who is helping him to enrich uranium

NEVERLAND (Reuters) - President Michael Jackson says Neverland wishes to achieve industrial-scale uranium enrichment, setting it on a collision course with the US government which now fears the former king of pop intends to produce an atomic bomb and bring about mass devastation on a global scale.

Although Jackson sold his Neverland home last March he bought it back last week with money recouped from recent record album sales. In addition to rebuying his house, Jackson has declared the Neverland territory an independent nation state over which he will now govern.

On Tuesday, Jackson confirmed Neverland engineers, all of whom are cute, prococious, glasses-wearing young boys of 9 or 10 who know the periodic table off by heart, had successfully produced the enriched uranium needed to make nuclear fuel.


"The rumours that Neverland may intend to develop weapons of mass destruction emerged late last year when Jackson casually expressed a desire to "wipe all humans who are not male and under the age of 12 off the map".


The enrichment had been carried out in one the Neverland theme park's brightly coloured, high-security laboratories, which Jackson boasts has "lots of cool levers and buttons and stuff, plus a forbidden magic slide of mystery that possibly leads to the reactor-core".

Flanked by government aides (young boys wearing adorable little suits and shades), Jackson said in a televised address, "I am officially announcing that Neverland has joined the group of those territories which have nuclear technology"

The news has provoked strong criticism from not only Washington but also the United Nations who hope a swift, diplomatic resolution can be reached before the crisis escalates.

The rumours that Neverland may intend to develop weapons of mass destruction emerged late last year when Jackson casually expressed a desire to "wipe all humans who are not male and under the age of 12 off the map". The declaration, which Jackson later girlishly laughed off as "him just being silly", greatly angered world leaders, the vast majority of whom are significantly over the age of 12.

Although Jackson has repeatedly apologised for the threat (he insists that he had been drunk on Jesus Juice at the time), doubts surrounding both his sanity and overall trustworthiness persist.

President George W Bush (aged 59 and therefore over the age of 12) accused the fallen pop idol's comments of being "grossly irresponsible". He added that the international community "retain a right to be suspicious of a man whose lifestyle in some respects could already be considered quite unchristian".

Jackson has since strongly denied he wishes to build an atomic bomb as a means of obliterating all the world's 13-and-overs. He insists instead that he merely wishes to build "cool weapons" for use in "pretend war and shoot 'em up games" with the children who come to visit his Neverland ranch.


"Moving his hand with outstretched index finger in a missile-esque motion, Jackson then said, "phooooooooooooooooooo KAAPPPOW!!!!" while smiling at reporters"

With a look of childlike wonderment on his face, he explained, "You know, I've always really loved all those cool World war 1 and World War 2 movies and everything with all those cool missiles and neat bombs and all the explosions and stuff raining down on people and everything - it's kinda like fireworks or something - it's so cool - I love movies - they're so cool - it's like staring into a magic universe".

Jackson went on, "One of my friends, Joshua who's 11, said his favourite movie is Pearl Harbour - that's one of my favourites too I told him and I promised him we could play a real life Pearl Harbour game on my back lawn, and he asked if we could shoot real missiles and then eat French fries and everything while we play and I said "sure Joshua why not".

Moving his hand with outstretched index finger in a missile-esque motion, Jackson then said, "phooooooooooooooooooo KAAPPPOW!!!!" while smiling at reporters, his bleached, threadbare features conveying an odd sort of gleeful innocence.

The news has sparked a wave of international concern over how to bring end to the crisis.

Although the majority of world leaders still insist that diplomacy is the best means of reaching a settlement, President Bush has not yet ruled out alternative means. These could include a full scale military attack on the Neverland Theme Park or the less extreme measure of food sanctions depriving Jackson and his young friends of their beloved French Fries and Diet Coke.

"We will be monitoring Jackson's behaviour closely. If he does not abide by the rules set down by the UN Constitution, then we may have to take the appropriate steps", the president said.


Devout Jackson fan, Helen Delgado of Wyoming said, "Michael has enriched the lives of so many people around the world. Why shouldn't he do the same with uranium?".


The UN Security Council has demanded Jackson put a halt to enrichment activity, and on April 12th it asked the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) to report on his compliance within 30 days.

IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei is expected to visit Neverland later this week to ensure cooperation with the Council and all IAEA inquiries. Jackson has told ElBaradie that "if he has any kids, be sure to bring them along as they will never have experienced a place quite like it". ElBaradei has not issued comment on whether he will bring his kids along.

Jackson loyal fans have been gathering outside the White House with placards bearing messages such as "Let Michael Enrich" and "Nuclearly Innocent".

Devout Jackson fan, Helen Delgado of Wyoming said, "Michael has enriched the lives of so many people around the world. Why shouldn't he do the same with uranium?".
Either way Jackson, creator of some of pop music's most abiding albums such as Thriller and Off The Wall, is likely to carry on indulging his every fantastical whim, whether it be sleeping with a 12 year old kid recovering from cancer or building weapons of mass destruction because... well... as I said... he has created some of pop music's most abiding albums... I mean cut the guy some slack already.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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