Los Angeles - "She wears some of his milk teeth in a locket around her neck," a celebwatch site editor claimed today, "and has kept the C-section placenta in a Canadian hospital vault."
This weekend a lengthy cover-up lies in tatters as LA FagHagSlagMagGag.con prepares to publish pictures behind the brouhaha.
Their spokesperson has confirmed what newshounds have long suspected: that the Queen wanted to ban them, her NewsCorpse lackeys tried to bury them and a dozen gagging orders fought tooth and claw to rubbish the DNA test results.
Over a dozen shots reveal covert meetings between arch royal gold digger Kate Middleton and Canadian entertainment starlet Justin Bieber - some as recently as last week in London's Kensington Towers Hotel where Bieber was holed up on a PR photo-op tour.
The 18 year-old singer/songwriter also features on a secret mother/son combo vid with Kate, discussing their respective celeb careers.
However, a close up of that footage dispels one of the Brits' top fictions about Kate's age, officially and somewhat optimistically put at 30.
This morning LA graphologists insisted those hands are very much mid-to-late-30s - something that public glove-wearing expert Madonna knows a lot about.
A few classic tell-tale signs around the wrists and the Mons Veneris area below the thumbs also suggest Middleton is actually 'post early-menopausal' - meaning Justin is unlikely to have siblings in the future.
As for the ID of Bieber's DNA father the celebwatch site is coyly reticent in naming the man that Interpol has suggested 'is a KGB operative' with links to bent Canadian government officials behind some unreported fracking scams.
This afternoon the online spread-betting site Aintgottaprayer.con suggested he's one of disgraced Russian mata hari Anna Chapman's US-based handlers known only by his Agent Orange code name.
Dim-Eatery Medvedev is 69.