Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 1 May 2012

image for Milwaukee OB&G Bartender Sent to State Mental Hospital after Haggis and Absynth Attacks on Patrons
Stock photo of the OB&G before the Haggis and Absynth rampage.

Following an evening of strange behavior behind the brass rail, the head weeknight bartender at the Oasis Bar & Grille in Milwaukee reportedly lost control of his mental faculties, assaulting patrons with both food and beverages.

"It was horrifying", said the quite portly Ms. Edna Feckless who preferred to be characterized as "big boned". "Before we knew it, that crazy man had locked the door and was chasing after people with bottles of green liquid and cooked meats".

Other reports from inside the internationally syndicated pub, say that the man who later identified himself as Skippy Wortham, had pinned down a rotund gentleman in a pair of stretchy pants and proceeded to give him an Absynth enema. Patrons heard the crazed bartender yelling, "You like that green s#!t, you ungrateful fat boy? Here's a double pour at no extra charge".

Local police arrived in time to capture Wortham, but not before he had gone quite awry in the kitchen, pulling the evening's Haggis special out of the oven, showering the cornered patrons with bit bits of the foul smelling meat-like contents. "He just snapped. One minute he was pouring drinks and the next, he was running around like a mad man, making Orangutan noises and attacking us with some sort of meat. My hair still smells like rotten pork", said Feckless.

"After we broke down the front door, he was easy to catch", said Sergeant Bob Tudeski, who later admitted to the enjoyment of tasing Wortham. "We caught him holding a full Haggis over his head. The electricity made him toss the contents around like a blender with the lid off. We laughed for an hour".

In a related story, the OB&G in Milwaukee is not only in need of a new bartender but a head chef as well. Following the pungent smelling Haggis incident, the former chef refused to honor the standard international menu ever again. "Get somebody else to work with bloated stomachs and meat by-products. I'm opening a Red Lobster".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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