Written by b kenneth mcgee
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Monday, 30 April 2012

In a late afternoon press conference on Friday, Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, announced that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would give the keynote speech at the GOP convention this summer.

Seasoned observers noted that late Friday afternoon press conferences are generally designed to avoid intense media coverage over the weekend.

Priebus, seemingly distracted and uncomfortable with the subject, was quick to distance himself from it by stating he would just read the announcement and show the video clip from the Horsemen. He stated the video had just appeared in their mailbox but considered it to be authentic.

As journalists sat stunned, a grainy image appeared on the large TV screen. The four horsemen rode into sight on their horses, black, white, and red.

The leader spoke in a voice, harsh and menacing: "People of the world, you know, those of you that count like the Koch brothers, listen up! We thought that things were really going fine, what with all the wars, disease and pestilence.

God knows, pardon the pun, we tried! After eons, we take you to the ten yard line, you have four downs to punch it over and finally give us the game ball and what do you do? You give us a bunch of bust outs that couldn't find their own ass with both hands!" The other three horsemen nodded and looked menacing.

The leader continued, "Lets cut to the chase. You had a layup, we thought, with McCain and war. It turns out the dude is all hat and no cattle.

"He talks the talk, doesn't walk the walk and is so scared of his wife, he couldn't make war on an ant hill.

"He drools when he snarls and, it all depends on you, is a personal comment and not the name of an old song."

The "War" horseman nodded and brandished his bloody sword.

Leader: "And Herman Cain had promise we thought and he turns out to be a minstrel show.

Besides, no one told us he was colored!" He paused, "And Santorum, and Opus Dei, it's more like Opus Oui Vey! Give us a break here! Gingrich is a Satan look-a-like and Romney is a pussy! We are done with you devil wanna-bees and either get it together," he paused once again, "or the end of times is right now you jerk offs!"

The Associated Press reports the journalists sat stunned and silent as the four horsemen faced the camera and In a bizarre turn of events broke into four part harmony singing the Carly Simon song, "Nobody does it better" as a grinning picture of Satan himself appeared on the screen.

As the reporters ran, some screaming, from the hall, several stopped to say they would swear the picture was that of a grinning demented Charlie Sheen!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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