Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Monday, 23 April 2012

image for President To Dissolve Secret Service: Appoints Barney Frank Eunuch Czar To Form New Palace Guard
Obama's Eunuch

BILLINGSGATE POST - Obama's chief advisor, David Axelrod, told CNN's "State of the Union" today that the President has decided to dissolve the Secret Service and replace it with an Imperial Palace Eunuch Corps. Barney Frank is to be named Eunuch Czar this week to replace Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan.

Axelrod quoted Han Fei Tzu, a revered Chinese Minister of State and man of letters who died in 233 BC: "Countries large and small suffer one defect in common, the surrounding of the ruler with unworthy personnel."

Noting that both the President and the First Lady were concerned about the Secret Service agents knowing more about their personal affairs than they were confortable with, Axelrod told CNN that establishing a close knit gaggle of trusted eunuchs to watch over the President seems the only answer. "What better person to head this agency than Barney Frank? You wouldn't see him compromise his office by hiring prostitutes."

However, Senator Susan Collins of Maine, the senior Republican on the Homeland Security Committee and Representative Carolyn Maloney, D-N.Y., disagreed. Both said that more female Secret Service agents might help guard against such incidents from happening again. "At the very least, it would cut down the number of prostitutes stiffed by male agents for their services." Sniffed Collins, "No self-respecting female agent, straight or lesbian, would sacrifice the safety of the President for a quick roll in the hay."

A little history. Eunuchs, males who have been rendered sexually impotent by mutilation or removal of their external sexual genitals, served as palace menials, harem watch-dogs, and spies for rulers in most of the ancient world kingdoms stretching from Rome, Greece and North Africa, through the biblical lands, and on across Asia to China. Castrated aides attended the Great Moghul emperors of India and the maharajas of India. Nowhere, however, were eunuchs of such great historical significance as in the palaces of Imperial China.

Best of all, eunuchs strutted with a peculiar gait that could be easily recognized at great distances. They characteristically leaned slightly forward (somewhat like MSNBC hacks Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews) with their legs clinging closely together in a scissor-butt sort of way. Taking short mincing steps, with their toes turned outward, it was impossible for them to not be identified as eunuchs. Obviously, these physical attributes were quite unlikely to excite physical contact with promiscuous double agents of either gender.

Although Senator Joe Lieberman told Fox News Sunday there is "no evidence that information was compromised" in the incidents, "it is my opinion that changing the Secret Service to an all eunuch agency would make it less likely for a compromise to occur in the future."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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