Washington D.C. -- With new immigration legislation deadlocked in Congress, the White House today announced that immigration policies will now be decided by a joint Homeland Security Agency/FEMA/NSA panel to be named by President George W. Bush.
As a wartime President, George Bush declared, he possesses the authority to override Congress in matters directly pertaining to the National Defense. Open borders, Bush continued, are a constant danger because they are open.
As thousands took to the street to decry the potential new laws pending in Congress, The White House outlined a policy that could include preemptive nuclear strikes on countries harboring those who might become illegal immigrants. These "Axis of Alien" countries include (but are not limited to) Mexico, Haiti, and French Canadians.
In a bold statement, President Bush acknowledged that immigrants who are not naturalized do not vote and, therefore, should not be counted in his approval polls. And. Bush continued, they should not be out marching as they are not Americans and are not covered by the First Amendment. Real Americans, the President concluded, only march on National Holidays in festive costumes with clowns. Although, President Bush admitted, clowns can be scary.
Vice President Cheney, insiders predict, will play a central role in the newly formed committee. The Vice President, White House staffers assured, will be armed with the latest knowledge and the authority to act quickly and desively. "No one will sneak up from behind with Cheney in charge," an insider who wished to go unnamed confided with confidence.
It is believed that European Nations will file complaints with the United Nations should the threat of preemptive nuclear strikes not be taken off the table. As the United Nations is located in the United States, however, the White House forsees no problem in deporting desenters.
In a related story, The Bush administration released a study this evening indicating that a majority of Iranian citizens would like to travel to the United States and enter illegally. The Institute For Paid International Studies issued the study based on the work of Dr. Bo Gus. Dr. Bo Gus is best known in academic circles for his work in detecting Weapons of Mass Destruction using diving rods and a hunch. It is unknown, at this time, whether or not this individual study will be enough to place Iran in the "Axis of Alien" countries, but it would give them the distiction of being the only country to be on two axises at the same time.