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Friday, 20 April 2012

image for Area Man's Leg Dies In Its Sleep
Mr. Konsky admits he's considered a prosthetic, but just the idea of replacing "Old Lefty" sickens him.

WABASHA, MN-Brett Konsky, 46, went to bed Saturday night thinking everything in his comfortable, if not boring life was going along rather uneventfully. That all changed early Sunday morning when Brett awoke to find he had no feeling at all in his left leg.

"At first I thought it was just asleep," he admitted to reporters, "but then I realized it wasn't the least bit tingly. Once I gave it a couple good pokes, I knew something was wrong."

Dispatch Officer Ralph Newman recounts the panicked 911 call from Mr. Konsky. "He seemed to be very confused as to what was going on. At one point he asked me if this was all just a dream."

After calming him down and reassuring him that this was not in fact a dream, Officer Newman walked a terrified Mr. Konsky through a routine CPR procedure. "I had him giving three reps of ten compressions to his inner thigh, followed by the sucking of his big toe for five seconds." Unfortunately this experimental resuscitation effort was unsuccessful, as Mr. Konsky's leg remained very much dead.

Paramedics from St. Elizabeth Medical Center arrived minutes later but were too late. Mr. Konsky's left leg was pronounced dead at 9:58 a.m.

"I never even got to say goodbye," Mr. Konsky said tearfully. "And to think, the last thing I did to it was clumsily ram it into the nightstand in my effort to get into bed."

Coroners later ruled the death to be from natural causes, silencing any rumors of foul play. There was a suspicious bruise just above the knee, but that seemed to fit with Mr. Konsky's nightstand story.

According to reports, this is the first ever case of a single body part dying of natural causes, independent of the rest of the body. "It must have just been its time to go," Officer Newman said sullenly.

After a quick and relatively by-the-book amputation, Mr. Konsky was forced to finally part ways with his trusty leg of 46 years. "I hate to see it go," he said. "We've just been through so much together over the years. We had a really good run." The glum look on his face confirmed that the pun was most likely unintentional.

A memorial is being planned for this Thursday afternoon, although Mr. Konsky expressed his wish for it to remain strictly for close friends and family only. "I'm aware of the level of attention this tragedy has brought me, but it wouldn't be fair to my leg's memory for me to exploit that," he said.

"It's definitely going to take some time for me to adjust," Mr. Konsky continued. "I just hope my softball team will understand."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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