New York, NY
With the Romney campaign entering full Vice-Presidential Candidate search mode, our investigative reporting uncovered a document floating a surprising name as a potential candidate: Ted Nugent.
After much snooping, we retrieved a strategic assessment put together by a heavyweight Goldman Sachs PR team, reviewing the strengths and weaknesses of potential Romney running mates. The list was populated with resumes of the usual cast, Christie, Rubio, Jeb Bush, etc. However, towards the end was a brief synopsis evaluating Ted Nugent as a Vice Presidential candidate.
The document noted that a Romney/Nugent ticket was "a long shot" and "posed high risks", however on the positive side, the addition of Nugent to the Romney ticket would
"firm up support among the conservative base, ease the concerns of those worried about eroding first and second amendment rights"
and also noted whimsically that it would
"solve the problem of a Romney campaign theme song. It's a no-brainer, it should be Stranglehold" noting as well that
"a spirited rendition of Wango Tango followed by calls from Nugent to publicly behead President Obama and liberal Supreme Court Justices would provide plenty of red meat the GOP desperately needs to mobilized an effective campaign."
The aging rock star Nugent, known as "The Motor City Madman" made the headlines recently when he proclaimed at a National Rifle Association event that "if Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year. If the coyote's in your living room, pissing on your couch, it's not the coyote's fault. It's your fault for not shooting him," he said. He also denounced the administration as "criminals" and said a Democratic victory in November would mean "we'll be a suburb of Indonesia next year" and called upon the audience to help him "clean house in this vile, evil, America-hating administration", adding that "We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November! Any questions?"
I took the document to my confidential source within Goldman Sachs, who, while refusing to either confirm or deny that the document was the work of a Goldman Sachs team, agreed to meet me for cocktails later and comment off the record.
After lengthy small talk and minor gossip, much plying with expensive whiskey and appetizers, and repeated prodding about the document listing Nugent as a potential Vice Presidential candidate, my source finally opened up, providing an elusive glimpse into the powers behind a presidential election.
"Ah, yes, the VP analysis thing, listing Ted Nugent "
"Yeah it's real, I mean we're scrambling here, man, ya know? We've got a real problem with Romney. To make this election farce work, we need to be able to sell Romney as an alternative to Obama. Don't get me wrong, Obama's our guy, ya know? His laziness and arrogance have been a problem, but damn he's earned it, he's the smoothest, most hypnotic propagandist we've ever had.
But you put Mitt out there, in a suit. He comes off as a suit-guy out of touch with real Americans. You put him out there in blue jeans, he comes off as a suit guy wearing a new pair of jeans to try and look like a regular guy.
He's trying to pick up where his dad left off, but it's just not the same, and people sense it. His dad was a man of respect, a boss under Dick Nixon! The old man was CEO of American Motors-they made things man! The only thing Mitt's company ever made was a high fee portfolio, a hostile takeover or a leveraged buy-out that we handed him on a silver platter.
And why did he have to take his political training as Governor of Massachusetts? He could have had Michigan, or Utah. What's was wrong with that? It's like, you know, he was just so eager to jump in bed with the Kennedys. "
The whiskey was working, I was getting more information than I thought possible, when I made a fatal journalistic error.
"So" I asked,
"I noticed none of the other Presidential Candidates were listed at all. What's up with that? No temptation to put a Gingrich, or Santorum, or Paul on the ticket?"
His face quickly turned an ashen grey color. Then it started coloring red as a look of dawning terror and hatred covered his face.
"Puh Puh Paul? Puh Paul!" spittle was flying as he stuttered, turning from red to purple "you mean Ron Paul! Or Rand Paul! Which one are you supporting you bastard!?"
He lurched towards me, towards my neck, knocking over our cocktails. I instinctively pulled back, and slid out of my chair and sprinted to the exit. As I hit the street running, I could still hear him, his tortured roaring emanating from within
"Which one! Which Ooooooone!!"
During the cab ride back to my hotel, I thought about this strange encounter and especially how it ended. The way my confidential source had lunged at my neck, the horror and desperate hate I'd seen in his eyes, I couldn't help but replay the memory over and over in my head, except imagining what might have happened if I hadn't pulled back so fast.
I think I'll go have myself embedded in a Marine Recon team in Afghanistan. Maybe do a little spying on some heroin smugglers, something a little cleaner and safer than American Politics, reporting on which is starting to make me feel like Van Helsing on a bad day.