WASHINGTON --- President Obama has appointed a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate the integrity of the Secret Service, following reports of $47 happy meals with hookers in Cartagena, Columbia.
In announcing members of the commission, President Obama said, "This group of disgraced politicians is valued because of their expertise in carnal knowledge. They represent the biggest and some brag the longest of former politicians driven from office because of their sexual peccadilloes. The recommendations of this commission will enable us to formulate changes to government policy in the way taxpayer money is spent on bonking, shagging, getting nookie, screwing and getting one's legover."
The panel will be headed by the 2004 Vice Presidential nominee, John Edwards and co-chaired by Congressman Anthony Weiner.
Other dishonorable members include:
Governor Mark Sanford, (R-SC)
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, (R-CA)
Governor Eliot Spitzer, (D-NY)
Senator John Ensign, (R-NV)
Congressman Vito Fossella, (R-NY)
Congressman David Wu (D-OR)
Congressman Eric Massa, (D-NY)
Congressman Chris Lee, (R -NY)
Congressman David Vitter, (R-LA)
Congressman Gary Condit, (D-CA)
"Although the scope of the Commission is specific to 'horizontal dancing,' if during our investigation, we discover that there was 'proclivity to a Greek love' situation, then Governor James McGreevy of New Jersey,Congressmen Larry Craig (R-ID) and Mark Foley (R-FL) have promised to give their expertise , as 'backups,'" said Mr. Edwards.
"We will leave no stones uncovered, and our members will rise to the challenge," said Mr. Weiner.
President William Jefferson Clinton in Columbia, "on a mission of hope" was unavailable for comment.