Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Sunday, 15 April 2012

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BILLINGSGATE POST - The Dalai Lama, who will make his first official visit to San Diego this week, is Tibet's spiritual leader, that nation's political leader in exile and the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize recipient.

He is also a friend and confidant of the recipient of the 2011 Bulshitzer Prize in Journalism, Dr. Viscount Billingsgate. Having met quite by accident while visiting the Galapagos Islands in 1987, Billingsgate and the Dalai Lama have remained in contact with each other over the years. Although the circumspect Tibetian leader lacks the vision of his American friend, they share a common plethora of degrees. While the good doctor has scored twelve doctorates in fields as varied as Forensic Taxidermy and Animal Husbandry, the Dalai Lama has plucked numerous honorary degrees from universities citing him for his humanitarian efforts, especially those which pester the Bolshevik hordes of Red China.

When they met in the Galapagos Islands, both were there to study the contemplative habits of the Giant Tortoise. A chance encounter brought them together. Dr. Billingsgate had turned over one of the tortoises and was engaged in watching the poor beast thrash his legs in a futile effort to regain his bearing. Upon happening on the two while taking his morning walk on the beach, the Dalai remarked to Billingsgate that it was clear that the tortoise would remain in the same position if not turned over. The startled Billingsgate asked the saffron-robed one why this was so. The man also known as Tenzin Gyatso responded tersely: "The tortoise has no traction."

Dually reflecting on the visionary content of that statement, the two of them embraced, exchanged business cards with each other, and with little fanfare, walked away in separate directions mumbling umbrageous mumbo-jumbo as the ubiquitous bats of the Galapagos Islands dumped guana on their respective heads.

FOOTNOTE: The Dalai Lama will also meet with two University of California San Diego scientists - Veerabhadran Ramanathan and Richard Somerville - to discuss "The Global Impact of Climate Change Through Universal Responsibility, Compassion and Human Consciousness."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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