Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Sunday, 15 April 2012

image for Secret Service Agents Deny Sex With Columbian Coeds: Merely "Hovering" At Discreet Distance

BILLINGSGATE POST - The eleven Secret Service Agents who were flown back to Washington for allegedly participating in an impromptu toga party with a like number of Columbian coeds, denied that any sexual activity occurred. A spokesperson for the Secret Service disclosed that the agents admitted to only "hovering over the coeds at a discreetly respectful distance; there was absolutely no physical contact."

"Hovering," as defined by Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, means to remain suspended over a place or object. Although this definition does not imply any sexual overtones, during the Vietnam War the word took on an entirely different meaning. Faced with long deployments interspersed between visits to Asian ports known for harboring young women willing to entertain sailors for a price, many an officer or mate succumbed to the charms of these ladies. In the Philippines these B-girls were politely referred to as LBFM's (Little Brown F..king Machines).

Those lonely wives, who were left herding kids and fending for themselves back in the States, were as much concerned about their spouse getting his rocks off with a sympathic ho as they were worried about him getting his ass shot off by the Vietcong. To mitigate questions upon their return home, many sailors would admit only that they "hovered" over the girl, with no physical contact. So widespread was this explanation, it was commonly referred to as the "Billingsgate Sanction," after Ensign Viscount Billingsgate who was the first to use "hovering" in this context.

A June 1971 edition of the Navy Times reported that in a survey of 1000 Navy wives, 83 percent said they believed their husbands, 12 percent said they had some reservations, and the other 5 percent didn't care.

Based on this information, Dr. Billingsgate believes that the Secret Service agents will get a clean bill of health, and within 60 days all will be forgotten.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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