Written by Danny Williams
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Saturday, 14 April 2012

image for Refurbished 'Sex-Bots' Embarrass Secret Service

WASHINGTON - In a monumental failing of the U.S. Department of Robotics, twelve androids known by insiders as units "XJ1 through XJ12" have been dismantled following an embarrassing episode involving Colombian prostitutes.

The unfortunate mishap occurred Friday, not long before President Obama's arrival in the country, when the androids in question, known to most of the public simply as the "secret service," came in contact with a group of women who are considered part of the sexual tourism industry of Colombia. Witnesses have said these young women zeroed in on the twelve androids because they mistook them for wealthy American businessmen.

"I told the girls not to bother, because I knew those guys were secret service." said Jack Bansby, an American businessman who was visiting the country for a weekend getaway. "I expected they would just tell the girls to go away, since they are of course robots and couldn't do anything if they wanted to. But boy, was I ever wrong."

Bansby explained, "One of the robots suddenly spoke in a voice like some cheesy 1980's robot. It said, 'hey, baby, what's your sign?' all monotone, and I was just like, 'what the...?.' And then another one unbuttoned his shirt and you could see a bunch of fake-looking nylon hair and this gold chain was like embedded in his plastic chest. And then things just got real crazy, real fast, right there in the street. Frankly, it was epic."

As it turns out, XJ1 through XJ12 were refurbished "sex-bots" - android units originally intended for an episode of the 1970's action show, "The Bionic Woman," starring Lindsay Wagner. The episode never aired due to objections by the FCC and by a vociferous protest by Wagner herself. The robots were then handed over to the newly-founded Department of Robotics, where, it was assumed, they would be dismantled.

"It goes without saying that we truly regret what transpired in Colombia," says Rolger Highland, Chief Administrator for the department, "but we simply will not take all of the blame. Fiscal cutbacks to our agency have forced us to take unorthodox measures to insure the safety of the President; we will not apologize for doing what it takes to keep the president safe."

When asked why the units were never destroyed, Highland explains, "XJ1 through XJ12 are, to this day, the most realistic-looking androids ever produced. As long as you do not remove their faces, you would never, ever know they were androids. Of course, if you do remove their faces, you will see all the wires and blinking lights and stuff, but other than that they are simply amazing specimens, physically."

Finally, Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos assured the U.S. Government today that he bears no ill feelings about the incident. "The President Obama may rest fine today that the people of Colombia have no bad feelings about this unfortunate incident. However, the girls' agent, Jesus Lopez, does hope for some compensation for time lost by his good ladies, as doctors say they will be out of work now for some time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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