Written by Danny Williams
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Wednesday, 11 April 2012

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Sanford, FL - In a bombshell press conference yesterday, defense attorneys Hal Uhrig and Craig Sonner revealed to the press that their former client, George Zimmerman, had spoken with Fox News commentator Sean Hannity. That same evening, Hannity took to the airwaves to confirm that a conversation had indeed taken place by phone, but that the conversation was private, and that he would not be revealing the nature or details of the call.

Today, however, Mr. Hannity is more forthcoming. In an exclusive interview, he has come forward to reveal what his conversation with Zimmerman was all about.

"It was innocent, really," Hannity said. "George was concerned, given all the ruckus in the media lately, that I wasn't going to let him tend the rabbits once we got a little place of our own out yonder somewhere."

Mr. Hannity explained that he and Zimmerman have actually been very close friends for most of their lives, both of them having grown up under the roof of Hannity's Aunt's farmhouse."

"For a long time George and I wandered from place to place together, working ranches" Hannity explained. "The money was okay, but I finally saw that if we were ever going to realize our dream of getting a little place of our own, I was going to have to do better. That's why I got into the news business."

Asked why Zimmerman never joined him at Fox News, Hannity sighed and said, "George is real strong, and he'll do anything I tell him to, but he was never too good with words. I had no choice but to leave him in Florida until I could get the poke we need to get our place."

Hannity went on to express doubts over whether he and Zimmerman would ever realize their dream. "It just seems like every time we're about to make it, George does something to mess it all up. I get pretty mad about it sometimes, but then I get to thinking about how tough George has had it all his life, and how he's really a good guy - he's just a little slow, that's all"

When asked what he believed happened the night Trayvon Martin was killed, Mr. Hannity's countenance became forlorn, and it seemed for a time that he would not answer the question.

Finally, he said, "Well, George always liked soft things, and I think that hoodie Trayvon Martin was wearing must have been real soft. George probably got to feeling it, and that probably made Trayvon nervous. I reckon that kinda got George pretty nervous too, and he done a bad thing." Hannity let out a deep sigh. "He didn't mean nothin' by it, though. He ain't mean."

Hannity expressed grave concern over the media frenzy surrounding the case. "People just don't understand George, that's all. He never meant anyone no harm. I'm real worried someone's gonna get a hold of him and do something...." Hannity trailed off. "It ain't right. No one needs to worry about George. That's my job."

Hannity said his chat with Zimmerman ended with a promise that they would meet up soon to talk about the future. "We'll be getting together to talk about things soon. He knows the place, 'cause I told him never to forget it. He's real good at remembering things when I tell him it's important to remember," Hannity said, staring blankly into the distance. "It'll all be okay."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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