The United States Bureau of Labor has reported that for the first time in the past 6 years, unemployment rates have dropped a statistically remarkable 3%, with a corresponding 3% increase in levels of wage slavery.
According to President Obama, this 3% increase in wage slavery can be considered a 100% success in reversing America's stubborn economic downturn.
"The financial crisis is OVER!" he proclaimed yesterday to the cheers of supporters during an impromptu press conference outside the White House at 11:00 a.m. yesterday morning. "People's days of living from unemployment check to unemployment check are OVER! No more welfare queens, no more homelessness! We have jobs again, and Americans are back to working for slave wages."
49-year-old Marta Gonzales was one of the celebrators. She was able to attend the mid-morning celebration because her new job, cleaning offices for a prestigious law firm in downtown Washington, is entirely in the off-hours. Marta has a 40-hour work-week, the daily hours of which are 11:00 p.m. - 8:00 a.m. (which includes a mandatory unpaid one-hour lunch break).
"I am very happy to be working again," says Marta, her beaming grin evidencing her sincerity. "Before, I was unemployed, and didn't know how I could put food in my children's mouth. So to be able to live hand to mouth is wonderful."
In order to enter the building where she works, Marta has to walk past Occupy DC activists in nearby McPherson Square. Marta admits to experiencing a twinge of guilt as she bypasses the protestors and enters her fancy high-rise office building.
"I sympathize with them," she emphasized, "and it makes me sad to think of what I have when others do not have as much. But now is my time, and I am grateful for the blessings in my life."
Another celebratory back-to-worker was 36-year-old Julian Kim, who, despite his advanced degrees in chemistry and biology, recently took a job as a waiter for a catering company. Jason barely makes his monthly rent, let alone the interest payments on his graduate school student loans. Still, he's grateful to have an income.
"I'm no wage-slave," he professes. "More like an indentured servant."
However, the jury's not entirely in on the benefits of wage slavery. After nearly a year of fruitless job-hunting for a medical technology position, 34-year-old Ben Hardy finally accepted a minimum-wage job in a telephone call center. He quit after a mere 6 weeks.
He explained, "I was putting in 60 hours a week and still not making enough to live on. And I thought, what the hell am I doing here? I was not paying my bills just fine before."