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Friday, 6 April 2012

Faced with an unpleasant choice in a rapidly narrowing but still unappealing field of presidential hopefuls, Republican voters this week asked television host Meredith Vieira if they could please use one of their lifelines to help them pick the correct candidate.

"We just need a hint," said Rhode Island resident Pete Fitchler. "This one is really hard. It almost feels as though there is no right answer."

Primary voters said they were considering either "Jumping the Question", where they would resume voting in the Republican primary in the spring of 2016, or perhaps using the popular "Phone a Friend" option.

"Although in this case, we're not sure who that friend should be," said Jack Cooper, a registered Republican in Connecticut, who says he is "dreading" his state's upcoming primary, due to his extreme lack of enthusiasm for any of the current candidates. "We're thinking we could maybe call either Jesus or Glenn Beck," he said.

Although Vieira was unavailable for comment, Regis Philbin did release an encouraging statement addressed to voters. "I know you can do this," he told them. "It may seem right now as though there is no clear choice-- but that's impossible. The system doesn't work that way. It's been designed so that that there's ultimately only one correct answer, however depressingly unlikely that may seem at this point in time.

"Don't ask me who that is though," he concluded. "You guys are on your own with this one. Good luck."

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