Written by Chrissy Benson
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Monday, 2 April 2012

image for In Effort to Foster Office Camaraderie, Hillary Clinton Begins Referring to Female Staff as "Bitches"
"I'm just a bitch among bitches," says the humble Secretary of State.

When she was growing up, Hillary Clinton was determined to break through traditional barriers to feminine achievement. In other words, Hillary was NEVER going to be just a secretary.

However, like many women, Hillary found that traditional feminine roles are not so easy to break free of. Despite early academic success and a highly publicized marriage to former U.S. President and public figure Bill Clinton, Hillary found herself in precisely the role she had vowed never to take on - that of secretary.

Technically, of course, Clinton is Secretary of State, under President Barack Obama - hardly your usual "secretary." Nevertheless, it does not escape Hillary that rather than becoming Vice President or even Speaker of the House (or would the title have perhaps been revamped to "Speaker of the Home" had she or another woman been granted the role?), she, a woman, remains "just" a secretary.

Rather than taking her "Secretary" title as a sign of America's unrelenting sexism, Clinton decided to embrace her secretarial role and use it as an additional point of connection between her and other women, many of whom are only regular secretaries.

But how best to foster the camaraderie and sisterhood she so desired to create among herself and her female staff members?

Clinton pondered this question for weeks, even months into her term. And then, to her own surprise, she found the answer in rap music.

"I really shouldn't have been so shocked that rap music gave me the answer," Hillary now says with a charmingly sheepish smile. "After all, with Barack Obama as our Commander-in-Chief, you'd think rap would have been the first thing to come to mind! It just goes to show how we're all victims of our own stereotypes."

Yes, the world of rap music, rife with bitches and hos, gave Hillary her solution.

"I realized that once I brought things down a notch, to the level of the common women who make up my invaluable team of workers, that spirit of sisterhood would begin to flow organically."

And so it was that Clinton began addressing her female staff members as "bitches." Rather than draft an internal memorandum on how best to address violent uprisings in the Middle East, Clinton would call out, "Hey bitches - what do you think of some new security measures in Syria?"

Instead of sending an uptight-sounding email urging her female employees to petition Obama regarding a proposed policy prohibiting the boycott of Israeli goods in the U.S., Clinton now might yell, "Look bitches, I need you to have my back on this regulation I'm trying to push past Obama's ass."

And in lieu of the stilted "Good morning" with which she used to greet her female colleagues in the a.m., it's now, "Bitches! Whattup?"

And Clinton's efforts have paid off. Big-time.

"Honestly, it took some getting used to," says Yolanda Pierce, Clinton's Executive Assistant (no "secretary" working for Hillary!). "At first I thought it was a racial thing, Hillary trying to act black, like Negro-envy or something. But then I realized that Ms. Clinton was indicating to us, via her carefully-selected vocabulary and phraseology, that we're all sisters here - black, white, brown, yellow, zebra, whatever. We're all women. We're all bitches."

Overhearing Pierce's statement, a pleased Clinton grins in affirmation. "Word, bitch! And as we know, we bitches rule the f*in' planet!"

"Word!" agrees Pierce, her fierce loyalty to her boss quite apparent. "I'm on board with that. Way on board."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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