Written by Jon Campbell
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Topics: college, Bentley

Wednesday, 29 March 2006

image for Local Thug Not Really 'From the Streets'
Cisco "representing" his home state. Stock Photo.

Waltham, Mass. March 26 - Theodore Weingarden, known to the Bentley college community simply as "Cisco", left campus on Thursday amid a public outcry over events that occurred this past weekend on visitor's day.

The revelations stemmed from an incident that occurred on Saturday afternoon when, outside of his north campus dormitory, Mr. Weingarden was observed climbing into the passenger seat of what appeared to be his father's Mercedes Benz. Those who know Cisco were surprised by the incident, due in part to the young man's frequent assertions that his father was currently "in the joint". Later, when friends questioned Mr. Weingarden about both his father's visit and the expensive vehicle he drove, Cisco replied that his father had indeed been incarcerated, but was recently released.

Mr. Weingarden then went on to explain that his father was, in fact, a very well known drug dealer in his western Massachusetts hometown, and had purchased the aforementioned sports car with money that he earned "pimpin and slingin rocks, son. Yea, straight up."

Mr. Weingarden then proceeded to make a complex series of seemingly arbitrary hand gestures and added, "You know how we do."

Documents uncovered by this reporter reveal that the elder Mr. Weingarden is actually a successful CPA, and no evidence of drug trafficking activity could be ascertained. When asked about Theodore's oft-mentioned upbringing in an Amherst housing project, the elder Mr. Weingarden replied that their neighborhood "wasn't exactly a housing project, as much as a subdivision. Times were pretty tough for a while though. After Teddy's little sister was born, we had to take him out of clarinet lessons for a while. He was pretty upset by that."

The revelations about Mr. Weingarden's apparently fabricated life story have provoked a certain amount of ill will toward him on campus. Late Saturday evening, Cisco filed a report with campus security, claiming that he had been "jacked" by a group of freshmen near the arts building. The thieves reportedly made off with his new iPod, as well as the "G-Unit" baseball cap that he picked up at Urban Outfitters a few months back.

Though his whereabouts are currently unknown, Mr. Weigarden is believed to have withdrawn from school and returned home to pursue a career in the music business. He has apparently been sighted on several occasions rapping outside of a Starbucks coffee shop in Amherst, though the sightings could not be substantiated. He could not be reached for comment on this article.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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