Written by Crass Clown
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Topics: Supreme Court

Sunday, 1 April 2012

After just a few days of discussing the Obamacare mandate, there has been a sudden and surprising turn of events. Not only has the court rejected the controversial mandate, it has also rejected the constitution. In a unanimous vote, the constitution itself has been declared unconstitutional.

Although initially celebrating the rejection of the mandate, conservatives were later stunned to hear about the additional ruling. Rallies across America were already in progress when everyone heard the shocking news.

Still soaking it in, one disillusioned conservative at a rally in Denver asks, "What will we do without a constitution? Without it, nothing can be declared unconstitutional. How will we recognize right from wrong?"

Many of the conservatives we spoke to agreed that without the constitution, it would be nearly impossible to determine which laws to pass and which laws to reject. Political strategists also mentioned that conservative campaigns will have to totally rethink their strategies. After all, it will be very difficult to find other reasons to reject democratic sponsored bills.

Although frustrated by the rejection of the mandate, democrats consider the rejection of the constitution a victory. "Now we can pass any law we want," proclaims one congressman who asked not to be named. "However," he adds, "it won't be nearly as much fun."

In an interview today, President Obama maintained a cautious optimism. He explained that with the constitution totally out of play, it may be possible to pass a new and more vigorous version of Obamacare in the next session of congress. Republican congressmen pledge to stand against it, with or without a constitution.

According to the Justices, the basis for the decision was a sudden realization that the government can't tell anyone what to do. "And not only that," said Justice Anthony Kennedy, "the government shouldn't even be telling the government what to do."

When Justice Samuel Alito was asked how he decided to reject the constitution, he explained, "Well, I always knew government was bad, but then I suddenly realized that the most oppressive aspect of government was the constitution itself. After all, everything else is based on that. Sure we can strike down laws all day long, but as long as there is a constitution, they'll just keep coming back. "

When Justice Sonia Sotomayor was asked how she came to the realization that the mandate was unconstitutional, she said, "Basically it came down to a simple decision. Was I going to support the mandate and thus allow the constitution to continue or was I going to admit the elephant in the room. And, of course, I couldn't ignore the elephant."

Unfortunately, the justices did not realize until it was too late that this ruling actually makes their own jobs pointless. "I guess I'll just go home," said Justice Elena Kagan, "I may be out of a job, but at least the constitution won't hurt anyone anymore."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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