Written by Danny Williams
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Sunday, 1 April 2012

Baltimore, MD - Despite six days of careful planning, Janet McNary learned Wednesday that she will not be receiving a lottery jackpot of over two-hundred million dollars. The 34-year-old McNary, a financially concerned housewife from the suburbs of Maryland, had meticulously detailed what she would do with the money on several writing tablets, Post-Its, and even on the dry erase board attached to her refrigerator - an object usually reserved for leaving important notes to her two preteen children, such as "CLEAN YOUR ROOM OR NO MOVIE THIS WEEKEND!," and, "WHO EVER LEFT THE MILK OUT IS MOWING THE LAWN!"

"I was so sure we'd get the money that at one point I was in the bathroom and used some lipstick that was kind of hiding behind the toilet to write 'trip to Disney World' on my thigh. I rewrote it on some paper later, when I undressed for bed."

In fact, McNary had charted out a somewhat detailed course for her entire family, even including certain cousins as beneficiaries of the big win. "Most everyone was getting something," she said, "even my Aunt Jill who said out loud at my sixteenth birthday party that I needed to lose some weight."

McNary's intended generosity was not lost on her husband, Jim, however. "I wouldn't have had to work for that asshole, Craig, anymore." Mr. McNary said. "But, hey... it's not Janet's fault..."

Her children, however, were less forgiving, going so far as slamming doors, refusing to eat what was fixed for dinner, and generally copping an attitude at any suggestion that they should be doing something besides feeling sorry for themselves.

Especially heartbreaking for McNary is the fact that, due to her lottery loss, her life will not be changing in any significant way in the near, or likely distant, future. "It's hard," she said, "it really is."

McNary says she has gone over the whole thing in her mind many, many times, and is still at a loss for what could have gone wrong.

"The way I saw those numbers in my head... it was uncanny," said McNary. "It was like bells going off, and I knew - I just knew - they were the right ones."

McNary did admit to having a little doubt, initially. "At first I thought I might be crazy [and] that there was no way I could know - I mean really know - that I had the right numbers. But then I realized those numbers were my kids' birthdays. And my wedding day! And then it all made sense. There was no way this could be coincidence."

McNary believes the inexplicable loss can only be attributed to the fact that life itself hates her. "It's always been this way for me. Every now and then, I think things will change, but they never do."

As far as future lotteries go, McNary swears she will never buy into the "scam" again.

"I think it's fixed," she explained. "The only way I will ever put faith in the Maryland lottery again is if I win two or more dollars from one of these five scratch offs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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