Written by Nancy Wurtzel
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Thursday, 29 March 2012

image for "Bitches Against Romney." Female Dogs Unite Against Mitt Romney's Shocking Mistreatment of Seamus, Their Canine Brother
Irish Setter

Every good dog has his day, and Seamus Romney is finally feeling his alpha male oats. Seamus, the long-deceased Irish Setter who belonged to presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, became famous for one of the Romney family's annual summer road trips which took place more than 25 years ago. The 12-hour journey was from Massachusetts to Canada. Evidently, with five strapping sons and all that luggage, there was little room to spare in the Romney station wagon.

Yet, instead of getting a dog-sitter or sending sweet Seamus to a kennel, Mitt crated the dog and then strapped the crate onto the roof of the family Chevrolet, giving new meaning to the saying top dog. Luckily, Mitt needed Ann, his charming wife, to help navigate or she might have easily have suffered a similar fate. Mitt is obviously a man with a mission and he won't let anything stop him.

A political urban legend?

Hardly. It's entirely true. Mitt and sons have confirmed the Seamus story in several interviews over the years.

And we recently learned that the memory of that fateful trip has become part of Romney family lore - a family experience the kids recall fondly: "Hey Tagg, remember the time the old man drove all the way to Quebec with Seamus on the roof of that old wagon? Wow, those were the days."

Seamus survived the trip, and Mitt says the dog was just fine. However, the Romney kids remember the pooch had a severe diarrhea attack. Seamus pooped and peed so much that it looked as though it was raining dog droppings. Undaunted, Mitt found a gas station where he could wash down the car, the dog and possibly himself before forging ahead. Great family memories with man's best friend.

The tail of Seamus just won't go away and it actually seems to be gaining steam. The canine now has his own Twitter handle and Facebook page, Dogs Against Romney, with close to 40,000 followers.

Doggone it, all this talk about Seamus is taking away from Mitt's central messages: "Don't look at the number of jobs I eliminated when I worked at Bain." Also, "Please don't focus on the tens of millions dollars I made when I gutted those companies." And, my personal favorite, "Uh uh, I didn't create no universal RomneyCare health plan in Massachusetts when I was governor. No, sir. Not me. Not never."

The Seamus story seems to have pushed Mitt to the edge.

Insiders say he is growling mad about the continuing media coverage. His newest super pack (sic), Let Sleeping Dogs Die, is poised to go on the attack.

Romney supporters insist critics are simply barking up the wrong tree.

However, the Santorum people had been praying for a signal. Their direct channel to the god-of-all-things-dog has indeed paid off. Rumor has it, they have located a source to prove that Seamus was indeed permanently harmed by that infamous trip over our northern border.

The source is none other than a direct descendant of Mitt's mutt, Seamus. She's a lovely lassie named Shannon, who resides in California and certainly bears a strong resemblance to the traumatized Seamus.

Appearing confident and cool, Shannon proudly sports a jaunty neck scarf that proclaims: "I Ride Inside."

However, looks can be deceiving. Fans of Shannon say the normally self-possessed Irish Setter whimpers loudly and has been known to pee (daintily, mind you) when she spies a station wagon. She barks uncontrollably whenever Mitt Romney is on television and for the rest of the day refuses to enter her crate. Shannon's been under the care of a therapist since she was a puppy (it is California, after all). A maintenance "doggy downer" daily med helps to smooth over the rough spots for poor Shannon who feels the pain of her ancestors.

A few weeks ago, when press reports surfaced about Shannon, someone put a "Bitches Against Romney" bumper sticker on the family Prius. Within days, Shannon's family noted a disturbing phenomenon: Male dogs from the neighborhood were making pilgrimages to pee on the bumper sticker. They have taken to keeping Shannon safely inside on the advice of her therapist.

My feeling is that we haven't heard the last of the infamous Seamus or the innocent, troubled Shannon. It's going to be a long campaign season and we still have the dog days of summer ahead of us.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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