BLUEGRASS, KY (ABSNN)-Editor's Note: It would appear that our journalist, Francois Dubois, S.J. has "gone native" in this piece and true objectivity is totally off his table. He actually told me that, for one brief moment, he was in total shock to gain awareness that he was in complete agreement with Senator Paul, the Republican Junior Senator from Kentucky. Due to his value to this site (he works cheap) I have decided to run the peace as written along with his editorial cheerleading. Having written that, thespoof.com does not share Dubois' view of Rand Paul, nor has he, up until this interview, remotely agreed with the odd world view of Senator Paul.
As this reporter took his first class seat on BOAC's flight from London to Charleston, West Virginia, he was surprised to find the window seat next to his occupied by the (I always believed him to be) peculiar Republican Junior Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul. The oddball son of the even more famously odd (and apparently dead) Representative Ron Paul (R) Texas, he was very friendly, talkative and he consented to an exclusive interview with me.
Paul: I'm just on my way back from a fact-finding tour of France.
Dubois, S.J.: And what did you learn, Senator?
Paul: France is a great place to visit. It has buildings of ancient origins, museums that go far beyond most of those in our country. But there is one thing about France that I absolutely despised.
Dubois, S.J.: And what was that?
Paul: The fucking French, if you'll pardon my French.
Dubois, S.J.: Senator, I have never given you any credit for brain power. You are unceasingly bizarre in your everyday utterances. Your policies show the astuteness of a four-year-old, and your father just died from a case of Spontaneous Human Consumption. Just so I know I got every word you just said about France and the French, would you say it again, more slowly?
Paul: (pausing between each word) Certainly, I said There is one thing about France that I absolutely despise, the fucking French...
Dubois, S.J.: Yes, I got it and I'll be damned if you aren't exactly right about that. Are you aware, sir, that the French military in the 20th century never won a battle, much less a war? That the Germans scared them silly in two World Wars, they lost Vietnam as a colony, and all of their others?
Paul: Yes, my sainted daddy told me all about it. Hell, if it weren't for Ike and Churchill, and especially the British evacuation of Dunkirk…Did you know that in Paris they have toilets on street corners where Parisians shit and piss without closing the door?
Dubois, S.J.: Absoshitinglutely! France would have been West Germany! They'd all be speaking German for sure!
Paul: I do have an idea, though.
Dubois, S.J.: Please tell me what it is.
Paul: I intend to sponsor a bill in the Senate that would annex France and boot out the Frenchies.
Dubois, S.J.: Shocking, crude, and in your knuckleball pitching plan. It is elegantly simple; may I be of any help to you?
Paul: I could use a good speech writer. Are you interested?
Dubois, S.J.: Could you pay me more than Mark Lowton does?
Paul: Probably not.
Dubois, S.J.: I know a guy who wrote jokes for Joan Rivers. His name is Abel; I'll call him now.
Editor's note (2): I pay Abel to write!