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Wednesday, 28 March 2012

image for Archaeologists Discover French Toast Flavored Pop-Tarts
Dr. Matterhorn, above, peering over his other find of the day, some gross and unappetizing bones of some sort.

NEVADA-In what is already being hailed around the world as the find of the century, a team of archaeologists in Nevada have discovered the previously believed-to-be-extinct flavor of French Toast Pop-Tarts on a local grocery store shelf.

Dr. Doug Matterhorn and his team of able-bodied archaeologists have been on site in Nevada's Brownstone Canyon Archaeological District for nine weeks now, searching tirelessly for the fabled "missing link" in the breakfast pastry's ancestral line. Not a single member of Matterhorn's team could have predicted that they would ever stumble upon the vastly important discovery that is the egg-soaked bread and cinnamon flavored breakfast pastry.

"Just think about it," said an obnoxiously ecstatic Matterhorn. "You have two of the greatest breakfast foods out there, neatly mashed together and bundled into a nice little foil package. This discovery is going to completely revolutionize the way the world experiences breakfast."

What began as an average expedition into Barry's Corner Mart, seven miles from their dig site, Matterhorn and his assistant Stacey Anderson quickly realized that this was a trip not to be forgotten. Ms. Anderson could barely contain herself. "We barely got in the door before they were throwing cocktail wieners down our throats," she said. "They've never offered free samples before at Barry's. It was completely unprecedented."

It wasn't long before Matterhorn and Anderson made their way to the breakfast cereal and snack aisle. Once there, sources say Matterhorn began methodically scanning the typical Pop-Tart offerings, while Anderson stocked up on the team's Lucky Charms supply for the week. It was then that a delighted girlish shriek rang out from Matterhorn's lips; one that shoppers as far away as the checkout lanes say they could hear.

"I was just about to settle with my normal box of brown sugar and cinnamon," explained Matterhorn, "when all of a sudden something strange caught my eye behind a nearby box of blueberry. I quickly moved it aside and there it was: the holy grail of breakfast food-French Toast flavored Pop-Tarts!" Added Matterhorn: "I couldn't believe my eyes."

Eva Jensen, President of the Nevada Archaeological Association (NAA), has already deemed it "…the single greatest discovery of the 21st century." Jensen and her team of experts plan to examine the artifact carefully during the next few days to determine if, indeed, it is a genuine Pop-Tart variety, and not just some elaborate and unreasonably cruel hoax.

As of press time, Dr. Matterhorn was busy staring through the fogged glass doors of the frozen foods aisle, searching tirelessly for the rare and elusive Steak and Cheddar Hot Pockets.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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