Mike Duke, President and CEO of the Wal-Mart Corporation held a news conference this morning and announced to a stunned press corps that his corporation will run for President of the United States!
Duke started his statement by saying, "Corporations are people too, my friends!" As the press corps groaned in unison, Duke who is not accustomed to disagreement lost his composure and snapped, "Ask Scalia!" Taking a deep breath, he continued,"We have decided to throw our hat in the ring!"
At this moment and with the press conference barely under way, an emboldened reporter from The New York Times called out, "Where was the hat made, Mr. Duke?" Duke, now turning quite red in the face shouted, "Where did you buy your last hat and where was it made, Mr. New York Times lefty liberal, pinko commie, pervert?" The journalist did not reply.
Duke continued, "As of this moment we have the largest and most extensive grass roots organization in the history of the world, the biggest Super Pac ever, and offices not only in the US but across the globe.
Jonathon Allen representing Politico interrupted, "Will they all be able to vote in our elections?"
"Ask Scalia," Duke snapped.
An aide to Duke rushed to the podium as Duke started to shake. The aide spoke into his ear.
At this point Duke visibly tried to return to a calmer demeanor and returned to his printed statement: "There is no other person in the world better known than our corporation. We are not only loved and respected by our thirty million employees, but there is not a person in the universe that hasn't purchased our products at the cheapest possible price. Our employees love us like a brother and the people of China and Bangladesh can't wait to be a part of the American dream."
Rachel Maddow from MSNBC called out: "Are you telling us that entire population of China will be able to vote in our elections?"
Duke: "Ask Scalia!"
Reporter: "Any conclusions on your running mate?"
Duke: "We are talking to Exxon Mobile."
Reporter: "How about Scalia?"
Duke: "He stays where he is!"