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Tuesday, 27 March 2012

image for Spoof Editor: "We're Done -- Made up stuff way less funny than the real things the U.S. presidential candidates are saying"
The Spoof Surrenders to Real News

Saying "You can't make this stuff up", Editor John Cleeson announced today The Spoof was changing its corporate model to one "based solely on real news stories" following what he called an "epidemic of crazy real batshit stuff from the States."

"We just ran a story 'Romney strapped family pet turtle to sole of shoe on walkabout'... Bizarre? Yes. And totally made up as our disclaimer says, said Cleeson. Yet its barrel-of-laughs rating pales in comparison to the U.S. presidential candidates' position rationales pulled straight from their anuses."

"Case in point," Cleeson continued: "Rick Santorum says old people in the Netherlands are afraid to go to hospitals for fear of being euthanized and must wear 'Don't euthanize me' bracelets if they don't want to be euthanized while napping. Santorum added: '10% of all deaths there are euthanasias, half of which are involuntary'. When questioned by a reporter about Dutch officials saying there are no such bracelets and Santorum's stats are flat out wrong because only 2% of deaths are euthanasias of which none are involuntary, Santorum's press secretary Alice Stewart said 'the important thing was that Rick was saying what was in his heart.'... Are you fucking kidding me"?! queried/exclaimed Cleeson.

"This stuff just writes itself. No need to add made up stuff like 'When Ms. Stewart was asked if Mr Santorum planned to make policy decisions as President based on misinformation he believed in his heart, Ms. Stewart pointed out that the George W. Bush model worked like a charm to start the war in Iraq, and it could work well again'," Cleeson's voice trailed off as if not sure whether what he just said was made up or real. "I mean that would be satire because Ms. Stewart was not asked that, but it is true that Bush went to war in Iraq because he thought in his heart (or not) that Saddam had nukes and Cheney pressured the intelligence agencies to find likewise, but the facts were otherwise."

"Then there was Herman Cain's comment about wanting 'an electrified fence that would electrocute' illegal aliens trying to cross the border. Later he repeatedly said he was only making a joke. Now we could have embellished by adding something made up, for example: 'Just one sentence after claiming it was all a joke he said the border fence 'might be electrified'," Cleeson said his voice trailing off... "Wait. That wouldn't be satire because Cain actually said that one sentence after claiming it was a joke."

"I am dumbfounded we didn't think of using this real shit instead of lame parodies before," Cleeson lamented.

"You have Mitt Romney, a guy worth... What? $250? $300 million? telling a crowd of unemployed people he, like them, is also 'unemployed' and that it is Obama who doesn't 'understand' their plight.... Michelle Bachmann telling a crowd parents shouldn't let their middle school daughters get HPV vaccine injections to prevent cervical cancer because 'some woman in the crowd just came up to me and told me her daughter became mentally retarded as a result of the vaccine'. Never mind that the Center for Disease Control called Bachmann irresponsible because not a single instance of mental retardation was reported after many millions of girls were vaccinated."

"The list is endless... Arizona Senator Kyl announced in a speech on the senate floor that 'well over 90%' of what Planned Parenthood does is perform abortions when the correct figure is 3%. When he was corrected for the inaccuracy he said his statement was 'not meant to be taken as factual'... WHAT? How are we supposed to know which of what a senator says on the senate floor is based on fact and which is straight out of his ass"?

"Speaking of which, I haven't even gotten to Rick Perry and Sarah Palin. Their folksy tripe is of Pythonesque magnitude, 9.8s on the Richter scale of comedy," Cleeson said throwing up his hands.

"We have been wasting time creating fool's gold in a sea of pure gold," stammered Cleeson apoplecticly.

BBC reporter Eric Sidle asked Cleeson "Wouldn't The Spoof's new venture be competing with real media outlets like Fox News"?

"No. Absolutely not, said Cleeson. There is a big difference between reporting a real news story that is hilarious in and of itself and reporting misinformation that is funny because it never happened. The few who hear our story are made less ignorant, while in the case of Fox millions are made stupider for having been misinformed."

"But if millions of people are demanding to be shitted to by Fox and only a few patronizing accurate media sources why wouldn't TheSpoof follow the popular Fox model?" asked Mr. Manfredjin St. John of World Business News.

"Well, we are in a way because most of the nutty stuff the presidential candidates are saying is shit they heard on Fox. We will be just recycling stuff reported on Fox via the candidates' voiceboxes," answered Cleeson.

"So The Spoof will be a kind of indirect clearinghouse for Fox News stories"? Sidle asked.

"Exactly. Fox misinforms. Candidates repeat. We split our sides," Cleeson finished with a guffaw.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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