The Non-Associated Press released a surgeon's report detailing former vice president, Dick Cheney's "heart transplant". The operation was performed by two of the world's foremost surgeons, Drs. Foster and Schmick who actually aren't surgeons at all but just the two guys dressed as doctors on the web-site of the pet supply retailer Drs. Foster and Schmick.
Apparently, Dick Cheney specifically requested the 'doctors' to perform the operation because they sold him some medication that cured his guppies from the parasite known as ick. Cheney figured if they could cure ick then transplanting a heart should be a walk in the park.
Once the two 'doctors' opened up Cheney's chest, who insisted on having the surgery done while under a local anesthetic so that he would not miss the Jersey Shore, they found an extended middle finger where Cheney's heart should have been. When they showed it to Cheney by putting a mirror up to it, Cheney replied:
"Yeah, so what is the problem? I feel that way about everybody".
The report mentioned that this discovery could explain why Dick Cheney looks like Lex Luther having a bad head day and keeps shooting all of his friends full of buckshot.
Unfortunately, the two 'doctors' could not find any middle fingers to be transplanted into Cheney due to the fact that no one ever gives them up because of their use in pervasive expression, which can be used by someone even in death especially at funeral viewings.
The only place where a middle finger could be obtained was from the Demon Barber, Sweeney Todd who said he had a ton of them just sitting in his basement and for them to just come to Fleet Street in London to pick one up.
Dick Cheney and the 'doctors' bribed VP Joe Biden into letting them use Air Force 2 by offering him a six pack of Budweiser, a joint and a Bon Jovi CD. During the flight to London Cheney insisted on bringing his shotgun which he used to shoot at high flying ducks through the airplane's windows. Every so often he would take a pot shot at one of the 'doctors' just for 'shits and giggles'.
They team managed to get to Fleet Street without Cheney hitting any ducks or 'doctors' and successfully transplanted the 'good' middle finger into Cheney. The middle finger was chosen by a Mrs. Lovett who kept offering them meat pies. Once done Mr. Sweeney Todd came up to the 'doctors' and asked:
"So! How about a shave?"