President Bush has angrily dismissed an Iranian approach for ‘talks'. In a speech in Peachyville, Alabama, he called the initiative a ploy to avert international pressure away from the Iranian nuclear crisis. ‘It don't take an Alfred Einstein to…to understand….uh..that the Iraqists…uh, that is the Iranuns is fearful of our friends and allies suspicions that their….evil, bad regime is working to building weapons of mass disturbance. I am a war president. I am not a war president. Who enjoys sending my boys into uh, harms way, into …warlike peacemaking places. Iraq..uh, Iran has a wise choice to make, disband the faculties of war or face the consequentials.'
To a packed room of cheering servicemen and women, Mr. Bush claimed that the US had asked Iran for talks a year ago but was rebuffed. ‘We held out the hand of nothing….nothing that the Iranuns could possibly deploy as sinister. Our aims and objections…. was not to fool them. Fool them once, shame on us, we are not people who … who fool around. It was us, not they, it was they who rejectified our peacelike forwardness.' The President, looking tired and distracted, seemed to have trouble with his notes. ‘We will not forget…….. uh, the folks of New Orleans' he said, to wild applause and cheers from the servicepeople.
Iranian nuclear negotiator Ali Barbwire said earlier that an important Iraqi politician had appealed to Tehran to talk to the Americans. ‘We have responded kindly to our Iraqi friends' he said to a reporter for Al Jizzer ‘They have suffered from the great Satan and begged us not to fall into the same American trap as them. If the Satanic President Bush does not want to talk, we will not be upset. In fact, speaking personally, I will be relieved, have you tried speaking to him? It would help us if he spoke the Queens English. '
In a separate development, Lon Cheyne, the Vice President, spoke off the record to tame reporters. We have obtained a transcript of his comments. He said ‘We're not looking for war, but by Haliburtons teeth, we are sure not gonna allow those ragheads to get their oily hands on WMD. Those lying Arabs think they can push us around, they're not going to as long as I'm President of Vice.' Corrected by a reporter that Iranians are not Arabs, the VP replied ‘They've got oil haven't they? They're Arabs alright, and don't be fooled by the pinko Democrats into thinking otherwise. Look, if I'm prepared to shoot a good friend in the face, just because he finished off the jack Daniels, do you imagine I'm gonna allow those camel jockeys to dictate to this great nation what they want?
In a separate incident, the American Secretary of State, Ms. Condescending Pasta, told journalists in Australia, where she is touring with the State Department All Stars Propaganda Band, ‘We have been watching Iran for some time now, this is nothing new. We don't like what we see in Iran, in fact we don't much like what we see in most places. Here in Australia for instance, the home of our good friend, the Prime Minister, Sir Frankie Howard, we see such rudeness to him from the folks.'
Later that day, Sir Frankie told us ‘Oooh no, don't titter. What? No. What a carry on.'
Iran continues to present quite a problem to the international community, particularly as it has not yet done anything wrong.