Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 25 March 2012

image for Ron Paul Vows To Do Away With Those Invasive TSA Airport "Pat Downs" Or As He Prefers To Call Them "Feel Ups"
Ron Paul has said that he may form his own party and run against the GOP candidate and President Obama.

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana - GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul was speaking to a crowd that had gathered at Shreveport's General Stonewall Jackson High School.

He told the crowd estimated by Jo Jo Spamaficki, owner of Spamaficki's Hardware Store, to be between 910 and 917 individuals that if he is elected president he will bring every American troop home with 24 hours after he officially takes office.

Congressman Paul promised that he will even bring back the 300 American troops that are presently stationed in Iceland, the 200 troops that are currently stationed in Sweden, and the 1,700 troops that are guarding the bamboo rich jungles in Upper Shambutu.

The crowd erupted in thunderous applause and began shouting "RON-NIE! RON-NIE! RON-NIE!"

The Texas congressman beamed with pride. He then said that he would also see to it that gasoline prices will fall down to $2 a gallon. The crowd went crazy with joy.

He then stated that he will see to it that the unemployment rate goes from 13 percent all the way down to minus 2 percent.

A little old blue-haired lady with a puzzled look on her face asked him how the heck the unemployment level could go down to below zero.

Ron Paul nodded his head and remarked that it was a good question. The little old woman, who was identified as Agnes Gertrude Fenderfox stated, "That's why I asked the question sonny boy."

Congressman Paul is 76, and Mrs. Fenderfox is 96, so she can most definitely refer to Ron Paul as a sonny boy.

He replied that the way the unemployment rate can fall below zero is actually very simple. He pointed out that thousands of people will have two jobs.

Mrs. Fenderfox's look of puzzlement suddenly disappeared.

The congressman then turned to the issue regarding those TSA airport "Pat Downs" or as he refers to them "Feel Ups."

He told the crowd of 910 to 917 that within 36 hours of taking office he will completely do away with those invasive, hateful, molestational "Pat Downs."

The crowd began yelling and screaming and shouting in unified happiness and unbridled joy.

"What will you replace them with?" hollered out the highly animated Mrs. Fenderfox.

Ron Paul shook his head and said that he will replace the TSA "Feel Ups" with your basic good, old, red-blooded, American honor system.

He pointed out that he will have the TSA agents simply ask the passengers if they are carrying anything that could pose a problem to themselves, their fellow passengers, the pilots, the crew, or the plane.

Congressman Paul said that he will see to it that the TSA inspector agents are trained in the science of being able to read if people are telling the truth simply by using the Optimatological Opus Test or OOT.

He explained that the OOT, which was developed during a two year research study at Davy Crockett University in San Antonio, has been found to be 99.97 percent effective.

The premise of the test is that inspector agents are trained to look directly into the eyes of indivduals and ascertain if what they have just said is true or false.

He noted that the OOT was tested on several test groups of people including used car salesmen, auto mechanics, dentists, gynecologists, divorce lawyers, and politicians.

The crowd erupted in chants of "RON-NIE! RON-NIE! RON-NIE!" Congressman Paul told the crowd that he loves crawfish, gumbo, Jambalaya, shrimp etouffeé, and Bayou state natives Ellen DeGeneres, Harry Connick Jr., Reese Witherspoon, Britney Spears, and Randy "The Dawg" Jackson.

He thanked everyone for their time and for the two bottles of Firewater Brand Louisiana Tabasco Hot Sauce.

He then said that he had to leave right away as he had to fly down to Lake Charles and meet with the nation's number one voodoo woman, Lottie Jo Lafayette.

And with that the Louisiana crowd of 910 to 917, began shouting out "VOO-DOO! VOO-DOO! VOO-DOO!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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