Written by Bernie F. Carlin
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Sunday, 2 April 2006

image for President Seeks Crack Commando Unit to Capture Bin Laden.
Could these men have been hired by the President to find Bin Laden?

President Bush made a visit to Los Angeles today, seeking assistance in capturing well-known terrorist Osama Bin Laden. In a speech before a GOP audience, Bush stated his intention to locate a good "crack commando unit" willing to be hired by someone with a problem. "Nobody else seems able to help," them President said, adding "I hope I can find the people this nation needs".

After the speech, the President made a brief stop at a video arcade, where he spent a great deal of time playing on one of the games. The secret service prevented reporters from getting a close look, but witnesses said it appeared to be a text-based game asking for "passwords" and the like.

Immediately following his visit at the arcade, the President made an unexpected detour to an inner-city youth center. Some have speculated that this was meant to be a photo opportunity, but reporters were prevented from getting close pictures, and the sudden detour seems inconsistent with the explanation of a planned publicity affair.

The manager of the youth center, a jewelry-laden, muscular man, who asked to have his name withheld, refused to comment on the visit.

The President made no further deviations from his predetermined schedule, save that of helping to arrange for the release of a mental patient, a Vietnam veteran and former helicopter pilot whose name is not yet known.

The President declined to say whether or not he found any assistance, but speculation abounds. Some have suggested that the government may be hiring private security personnel, or contracting foreign mercenaries. Neither suggestion seems to have any supporting evidence.

Perhaps most interesting was the rumor, unsubstantiated as of this writing, that the White House may have already hired a crack commando unit made up of alleged war criminals. Urban legends abound in the Los Angeles area concerning a team of four "soldiers of fortune" who were convicted of war crimes but firmly maintain their innocence. Solid journalism is scant on this subject, however, and many allege that prominent L.A. reporters have often been the beneficiaries of this "team".

These rumors have already gained steam, and well-known foes of the Bush administration are beginning to demand more information. "This administration has been committing war crimes from the very start," said one prominent film star, who shall remain nameless for now, because even if he were actually to be right about this issue, the whole thing is probably just a big publicity stunt of which the sole purpose is drumming up headlines for the star. "It only makes sense that they would start hiring other war criminals to do their dirty work".

Democrats in congress have called for a committee to review the extent of "vigilantism" in the United States, with the intention of issuing a report that will make no definitive conclusion and inspire no direct action. Republicans in congress have also made this an issue, calling for the enforcement of "Law and Order", and demand that a military task force be assembled to capture any "vigilantes" who may be operating in the U.S. Colonel Roderick Decker is rumored to be top choice for leading the task force.

The administration was characteristically reticent, refusing even to discuss whether or not the visit to Los Angeles even happened, though the President spoke with reporters numerous times on the trip. Press Secretary McClellan said that the possibility of a trip to Los Angeles, which "may or may not have happened", is "a matter of National Security" and refused to answer questions on the subject.

In possibly related news, the White House has called for a review of the military records of a group of Vietnam War criminals, convicted in 1972 by a military court for a crime they insisted that they did not commit. Their whereabouts are not known, as they escaped from a maximum security stockade shortly after imprisonment. Sources inside the justice department suggested that a Presidential pardon may be in the distant future. Some question the wisdom of a President pardoning war criminals while he is losing ground in the polls over an unpopular war and accusations of civil rights violations by U.S. troops abroad, but no official statement has been made yet.

If Bush's plan succeeds in capturing Bin Laden, most analysts say that the fickle American populace will come to support the President again, just as irrationally as many came to support him after 9/11 and just as unthinkingly as many came to condemn him when the war in Iraq started going badly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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