Written by jessica w
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Topics: Rick Santorum

Monday, 19 March 2012

image for Santorum To Turn Washington Monument Into Crucifix

NEW YORK, NY Worldwide famous psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on "The Today Show" Monday morning and revealed Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum's alarming plans for the Washington Monument. Santorum is allegedly planning on turning the Egyptian obelisk into a crucifix once he takes Presidential office.

Sylvia Brown told Ann Curry, "I was ever so blessed to have a conversation with Jesus himself two evenings ago. He informed me on Rick Santorum's plan to make minor adjustments to the original monument, transforming the horrific phallic shaped abomination into the only acceptable structure, the crucifix. Jesus told me that by thinning out the base and using the removed materials to form the parallel line making the cross shape, then adding a paper Mache image of myself (Jesus) covered in authentic raw hide from the Smithsonian Museum of History, the appropriate structure will finally stand proud."

Before Curry had a moment to grasp this new information, Browne continued, "I also reached Pope John Paul I and he told me that Americans and tourists alike will feel safe now and finally enjoy the reflection pool, appropriately filled with holy water and holy water alone." Ann Curry responded with a blank stare while mouthing the words, "Cut to commercial."

After the lengthy commercial break, Curry was forced to continue the interview. Brown informed the stunned host that even though an earthly rep was unavailable for comment, she was able to reach Thomas Jefferson and get his thoughts on the impending renovations. Brown concluded the interview with, "Poor Mr. Jefferson. He wasn't very chatty but he did say he thought church and state were separated in the constitution and I heard him scream Benny F get over here and bring George."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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