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Tuesday, 20 March 2012

image for The Inside Scoop on Newt's Conversion!
A One Woman Man from Here Out

ATLANTA, GA (ABSNN) - Newt Gingrich believes he is "Behind the Eight Ball," according to close associates within his faltering, third-place campaign. The big stories the past three news cycles were Romney's exit from the Mormon faith and his conversion to the mainstream Methodist Church. That was followed the next day by Rick Santorum's news that he had converted to the Mormon Church and planned to move the seat of US Governance to Utah!

Newt Gingrich called together all of his top campaign advisors Monday morning for an all-day strategy session. Thespoof.com has a high level informant within that focus group and relayed the following report:

"We need a new plan, something big, bigger than Romney's and Santorum's religious conversions," Gingrich stated. "It has you be bold, seen as a fundamental change in my way of life and outlook. The floor is open gentlemen. Let's talk turkey!"

Fauquier Tallywhacker, Newt's most senior advisor addressed the issue of religious conversion. "Newt, what if you divorced your wife and became a Roman Catholic priest?"

"No, Fauquier, religious conversions has been done, twice over,"Gingrich responded. "Let's have another idea, quickly," he demanded.

"Could you announce that you're coming out of the closet, a homosexual," asked Don Louise Bedfretter, a Log Cabin Republican.

"I like the cut of your jib, Don Louise, but I look bad in pink. No, that wouldn't work, but we won't rule it out altogether," said Gingrich with a wink to Don Louise.

"Newt, your problem is your home life; it always has been," said Tallywhacker. We all know you have balls the size of basketballs and have been down more holes than Bugs Bunny, but women tend to think that a husband who cannot be trusted by his wife is no kind of national leader. You see what I mean?"

"I've got it! I can convert to Monogamy. I can end my 'Open Marriage,' stick to just my wife with an occasional snack, and be seen as a perfectly trustworthy husband. That's the ticket," shouted Gingrich.

At 11:00 p.m. EDT, the Gingrich Campaign faxed this statement to all news outlets:

"Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announces his conversion to Monogamy. From this day on I end my open marriage and pledge my feality to only one woman."

Gingrich did not, however, name which woman he would remain faithful to. It was a short statement, but it sent a tsunami through the female population of Georgia, especially at the Hooters in Woodstock.

"I'm sad to hear it; he was a damned good tipper," said Betty Lou Retting.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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