BOSTON-While hoards of inebriated partygoers celebrated the inconsequentially misunderstood holiday of St. Patrick's Day behind him, Boston native and resident sour puss Jerry Doogan, slowly sipped his pint of Guinness at the bar of the Squealing Pig pub.
"I absolutely hate this miserable fucking holiday," Mr. Doogan said to reporters, and pretty much anyone else who happened to sit down next to him with a look of remote interest. "And why does everybody have to be Irish all of a sudden? This sucks."
"I have to remember to wear my only green shirt, which is eight years old and two sizes too small, just to avoid any unwanted attention," he continued. "Can't a guy just get a beer every day of the year, no questions asked?" Added Doogan, "I hate this shirt."
Mr. Doogan admitted that he forgot to wear his ugly and unflattering green striped polo shirt two years ago, and couldn't go two sips before a drunk coed pinched him in the flabby area under the arm. "And why do they always go for that spot of all places?" he asked, to nobody in particular. "That shit hurts."
When pressed, Mr. Doogan claimed he has no idea of his actual heritage, but says he's pretty damn sure he's not Irish. "One of my grandmothers, on my father's side, seemed pretty German I think," he said. "But beyond that, I have no fuckin' clue. And you know what? I don't really give two shits."
An exasperated Doogan says he plans to simply finish his stupid green beer peacefully and call it a night. "Or perhaps I'll order another one. I guess I'll just have to see how I'm feeling at the time," he went on to say. "Pretty much I'm just counting down the minutes until I can be an American again, and drink for no other reason than the fact that I had a pretty shitty day. Let me tell you, that's the life."
Jerry Doogan says he plans to remain an American until the fifth of May, at which point he'll reluctantly don a poncho and sombrero just to get a God-damned Corona or two.