Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today revealed that he would probably get utterly, spasmodically, terminally bladdered to hell and back today, because it's Saint Patrick's Day.
"It's traditional innit," Shuttlecock announced.
Long suffering wife, Anne, told reporters that she was becoming increasingly alarmed by Shuttlecock's erratic behaviour patterns.
"I think he's finally lost it," she conceded. "It's got to the point where I don't understand a word he's saying when he's sober, so I let him get nutted, because that way, we can at least communicate."
Local priest, Father Francois DuBois SJ, today made the startling announcement that not only is Shuttlecock not really Irish - he's not even human.
"He's a space alien," Father DuBois stated. "And an ass hole of a space alien at that. He ain't Irish - he just likes chuggin' on suds an' probin' stuff. He's a space alien stroke vampire stroke gaylord stroke Man United fan stroke failure. He couldn't even find his own bunghole with a blow torch and and oily rag. The sumbitch."
Shuttlecock himself conceded that he will sink a vessel or two today in salute to Saint Patrick himslef, and for some obscure reason to Vlad The Impaler.
"I can't overdo it though," he conceded. "I've got this big You Toob interview with Colonel Juan this weekend. And I've got to get the latest edition of The Spiffing Six out. So, even though it is St Patrick's Day, I can only get a teensy bit mullered. Perhaps I can impale some people. Starting with that wanker DuBois - the God bothering shitbag."
More when we work out WTF's going on.