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Thursday, 15 March 2012

image for Man Quits Job To Spend More Time With Netflix Queue
Hammond, above, watching his very first DVD, moments after his wife took it out of the mailbox.

DES MOINES, IA-Area man Daniel Hammond has, according to sources, left his job as a soft drink vendor in order to stay at home and spend more time with his growing Netflix Queue. Hammond, 29, began his subscription two years ago, when his wife came home with a one-month free trial. Since then, Hammond has taken to the video service, and has enjoyed watching his queue grow before his very eyes.

"At first it was a lot of work," said Hammond. "And I admit, I really didn't know what I was doing. I just kept throwing title after title on my queue, and I wasn't even sure I really wanted to watch them. But then the first DVD showed up in the mail, and that's when I knew I was ready to be a subscriber."

Hammond's wife, Maude, said her husband was initially very nervous, but has since become the best subscriber she could ask for. Although, she admits, he could do a bit more of his share of the dirty work, such as updating their payment information or tossing away the tear-off envelope pieces once in a while.

Before he was a subscriber himself, Hammond said he would occasionally watch his sister's DVD's while her and her husband were out of town. "Don't get me wrong, I loved her movies," confessed Hammond, "but I knew that one day, I would want to pick out some titles of my own."

Mrs. Hammond revealed that her and her husband had initially considered buying used DVD's, after some initial failed attempts at affording a subscription plan of their own. But, they continued to save up, and a few months later, Maude came home with some great news: she had finally gotten a one-month free trial in the mail.

Two short years later, and Hammond's Netflix queue had grown from a handful of familiar titles, to a whopping compilation 97-movies strong. It was this rapid growth that led to Daniel's tough decision to leave his day job in order to spend more quality time with his movies.

"No matter how much I wanted it to, I realized my queue wasn't getting any shorter," said a visibly cheerful Hammond. "I wanted to be there to watch it grow. I can't tell you how many times I would come home, only to be informed by my wife that I missed yet another great movie. Sure, she could've given me the gist of it, but it's just not the same as watching it yourself, you know?"

Since Hammond left his job as a vendor, he says he's never been happier. Of course, his wife has had to take on a second job in order to pay the monthly fee, and they won't be able to afford a second DVD at a time as soon as they'd originally planned, but Hammond says he stands by his decision and doesn't regret it for a second.

When asked whether he one day plans on sharing his Netflix, and all the kid-friendly movies and TV shows it has to offer, with his future children, Hammond simply replied, "Fuck no. I hate kids."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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