Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 13 March 2012

image for Southern Republican Primaries Prove that School is Still Spelled with a K
"All we need is an American God and a Christian President"

Republican primaries continue throughout the south and the fever pitch around voting Obama out of office is building amongst the Christian right and the uneducated middle. Based on some recent quotes, facts, history, and temperance apparently have no business in the debate.

Citizens exiting the latest republican debate offered their own opinion on who might be the best republican candidate, but those comments were mixed with statements about how President Obama doesn't legally deserve the office. "His parents weren't born in this country. The constitution says he can't be president. It's as simple as that", said an angered Ted Ketchum. Other constitutional scholars added a religious perspective, "The constitution says In God we Trust", says Wilma Ketchum, no admitted relation to Ted through the odd slope of their respective foreheads seemed to match. "Obama is a Muslim, and the constitution says we need a Christian man as president".

Other debate audience members focused on the republican candidates in an attempt to pick their favorite before their state vote. "I think we need a true Christian man as president", said Cindy Lou Masterson. "Christian values and a sense of religion in all aspects of government, that's what this country needs. Just like our founding fathers intended."

Masterson seemed to make the best argument for the throng of reporters who had assembled outside the debate hall. Actually dressed in matching colors with all her teeth in tact, Masterson spoke about as eloquently as anyone they had interviewed thus far. Nobody was willing to offer her a copy of the constitution or bother to correct her position. The press seemed to enjoy the sound bites and fresh copy for the morning's news.

In a related story, Southern oil producers and distributors are preparing to jack up gas prices again despite the growing supply and sliding demand. "Clearly a result of this administration's inability to control the price of oil", said one executive who preferred to remain nameless. "The fact that we will pull another quarter of record profits is purely coincidental and has nothing to do with price gouging, heh, heh."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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